Ricky Gervais Guide To: Society (Karl Pilkington, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant)



hello i'm ricky gervais to some society is a cage tramping and oppressing free-thinking individuals but to other society offers essential structure and regulation prevent an anarchy in the worst excesses of human behavior each society has its own codes of conduct ways of doing things but who decides these social norms and how are they governed from the formative democracy of ancient Greece to the communist totalitarianism of Soviet Russia history has shown us that there are as many forms of society as there are people to populate them to discuss society in our place within it I'm joined by Stephen Merchant award-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick hello and karl Pilkington you know the score little round-headed – what in ancient Greece every year 500 people would be selected from that Grecian society and they would have to sit there that year and they would propose laws and everyone else would vote on them and that was their obligation they were obliged to be one of that 550 like jury duty called up and then they had to propose their ideas and then the rest of the citizens vote on it now if you're in that position all right you're called up what rules and laws are you instigating you might go right i won I want in the gala terian to say I want freedom for people I don't want slavery I don't want any sort of oppression would that be a high on your list you could say you know when I were to cordon bleu there was times when I thought being treated like a slave mmm a three not wasn't free I was unlike from from no until so you have the choice to leave the job saved another choice to leave there you know they would go throw in a vanocur diem actually mr. Jackson um I'm I'm thinking of leaving your employment money's no good and they didn't have that choice I don't have a choice yeah the other choice was Tesco and they'd already turned me down wasn't the lack of choice given to my what saves the slaves who built the pyramids that wasn't an option for them it wasn't my waking own but I could get a better gig on the Sphinx yeah I'm just saying no you're not saying anything is saying absolute drivel again gives a little Greek proverb for you a society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in what I think of that that's amazing you say again a society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in do you understand yeah just saying the planting a seed they grow a tree but a tree's took ages yeah takes a long time yeah the old fellas not gonna get any joy out or not right but if he's lucky yeah fella next door might have done the same years ago so it's all about sort of planting the seed looking after each other that's great actually it's not I don't think it's directly since it's almost the point that's good yeah I think he means that future generations but yeah if they future see that if the next one a word done that then oh yeah that works as well you seem to agree that that's a good point do you agree that seems a good point to you um but I'm sort of guessing he enjoyed garden in any way part of the enjoyment was in planting that singing it's the old metaphor profligates no yeah it's not specifically about trees you know you plant the trees you say and you may never see the beauty of or the benefit of that tree but other people will but about as a metaphor what he enjoyed is the fact that he's added to society and human life and he's got a legacy and all that but at the same time when I went to Ibiza right now they're they have motorbikes people flying around on them people don't want elements you might even get three people on a moped I saw a farmer with a go in the basket they don't care there isn't around i speeds a lot of deaths there yeah and they'll have a lot of them them see that those areas where someone's come off being killed people put flowers there yeah and because that happens a lot it's a lovely Green Island now we're all the deaths make it nice because it's nice loads of flowers so with Death Comes beauty so that's another metaphor you can have that one that was one of the most now mortuous things I've ever that was extraordinary what was extraordinary right London councillor with this clipboard need a speed bump I saw someone doing 35 for some traffic lights there and a pedestrian crossing how they can cross in there as well and a speed camera right honourable and grey and no flowers but you still see flowers left behind where people have died in terrible accidents or a lamppost elastic done round fifteen year old got wrote down and you're disappointed at the quality of the flowers look at this Sudan lost his idea geraniums geraniums gun crime so that people get shot in inner cities and then we can put flowers up and beautify the areas and areas nicely to lock in nice it's being if it's nice a lock in you don't get people speeding around like lunatics because they go I'm not in a rush that quite like to slow down this okay so now what you're saying is because an area's grey and gloomy people speeding around it out of it in the course of doing that they knock people down but if Lahore is a part which makes the area beautiful thus stopping people driving around speech so death the longer okona kiyotaka another cars to people on the way to put some flowers down yeah just sometimes people after died on me there was a far outside our house we had a lamppost yeah the helmet on what's his head come off house he had a helmet on but his head come off because in that one instance the helmet did not save his life his head was in great condition you know safety gear and slowing down and wear bright clothes at night and it's just too much very important point you see we give people crash helmets we give them you know seatbelts we make them wear that right do you think that's right for start do you think someone should be made to wear a crash helmet they're only hurting themselves I don't think you should get fine for not wearing one but then if you come off a motorbike and you ate your head and you don't have a element on then you can't sort of go well they should have speed bumps maybe your eyes were going too far they're not just protecting him he could be a father with two kids so you're going on if he doesn't work right I'm gonna let him let him get brain damage is that what you're saying I'm just saying wait we're over the top in this corner we'll say now if you guys want to crush helmet let him not work by showing it he wears he doesn't wear a crash helmet he comes off his bike he smacks his head him he's a vegetable he's behalf I'm sitting at home and yet the two little kids come to you you're in charge don't forget we put you in charge of sight here and they come to you two little kids they go i didn't we paid leaflets through the door we all got verse on the Telex I'm showing dad's fall but why wasn't it compulsory because see what it's not the way we live in something was he gone element at all he says I don't know didn't want to wait but why didn't you make him wear a crash helmet it wasn't just him it was a home I just think you see this is the problem everyone's looking for someone to blame yes but this is interesting because you were particularly colors to that little four-year-old boy so sweet adorable yeah but why wasn't he given this stick to his dad as good as dead to him dad went within the law it was not the law to wear a crash helmet anymore because you said forget it I don't want a nanny state I don't what if you wear a crash helmet or not he wasn't a responsible parent he hadn't thought it through but this is your job some people aren't responsible society keeps them intra on track this was you were in charge you should have made him wear a crash helmet he had two kids we've heard from one of the kids people say Lord that you is he's easy young feel younger still President Pepito brothers cry now cuz you shower them I wish you to make my daddy where question why don't you make your daddy wear a crusher listen to me because I'm not China listen to me it seems like a bit of an enum not to be listened to you what do you do oh saying people don't like we're crush how nice a bit of pop shoes on in the morning when he went out I've even need to be here to tell them to do that as well some common sense all right interesting so can be bother get his training Jesus well you are cruel to this kid he's just saying is this should be a leaflet I don't even know how going number 10 this little kid the thing is he's got in you should have at least a courtesy to listen to his point forget all I'm sick and tired of I mean adverts on the telly don't smoke we're an element slow down what's your kidneys now I don't know why why currently just put a leaflet through say hello everyone if we let if we let people they be fucking it is they be in turkey Twizzlers and fucking watching Big Brother and x-pac topiary yeah I don't in there kids run right it was doing some fun this dude just eat turkey Twizzlers yeah whose little no beds on bikes playing out so god knows what exactly so it's happening anyway in any way that's no argument cars what we talked about here social responsibility the reason people get into politics is because they feel it's their obligation to change those things this is your approach I wash my hands of the whole affair yeah I don't I don't know the people who don't wear a helmet sort of the doom Souls in and that's cleared them off that's one problem sorted so you think you're being Darwinian you're thinking survival of the fittest the idiots will soon but they don't because if they're not just the victims the dead person isn't the victim it's that you know a very good example is some okay that we've talked about before you know people who smoke know that it's dangerous we know now that smoking gives you cancer but why is that still legal and yet people know that and they still smoke fat people know that they're gonna get out of breath and clammy and yet they still eat more they get depressed they're eating more they know that they're gonna be constipated for a year and a half but they're still shoving in chocolate cake and said occurrence but because that's what I'm saying boy let me stop them why don't we stop fat people eating if you got a smackhead and you really love him you intervene you're grabbing me put in a cupboard you know you're not coming out he goes mad for about a year then he thanks you for it yeah so block fat people in the cupboard and the door what the thing is there's gotta be some responsibility there's a covered over there yeah you gotta take some responsibility oh yeah now if it's your own fat kid stick him in your cupboard but what I'm saying is as a councillor I'm not spending taxpayers money on cupboards to put the fat kid in so the chosen 500 in ancient Greece right you're one of them what other things my lidar saying the one about do to others as you'd like to be treated yourself yeah yeah that's a good one pop that on a leaflet pop it through the door you seem to be doing a lot Lisa seems to be your entire governance used to be guided by the populace through doors and I got a lot of leaf it's so I presume in the restive country does and it's not always working sometimes you've got least to get something a little more strong-minded than fucking leaf it's my friend I would I want to be treated well I want someone to throw cake at me yeah because I'm a greedy bastard why swords are still might early I'd probably start on the way you look right go on I just I just say right you know make an effort tidy up your house and I'd have some sort of poor it doesn't matter doesn't matter you can still tidy up can we get better houses then good well look after the one that we've let you get rid of that old mattress that's in your garden plan door hangers and then we might give you a nice Salaam be at the moment you don't deserve anything no I said and that's what I'm saying you've got to be honest with these people yeah well come on wake them up but do you see the problem with some of what you're saying cause that it's very hard to to enforce that yeah all because it seems unjust and unfair you you can't really start let you stand against people's looks or whether they want I mean you have to kill your house tidy I mean who decides how you tidy it has to be it's a tidy police I mean that's a string hold on though I am I am I like wearing sort of these these denims it Express and I like wearing a beard because I just think it's natural I don't like really like shaving and yeah I like this sort of smell I like this smell of Bo I am as a person so how can you impose that on me just to be part of the site who are you to infringe my rights as an individual what do you want out of life well I think I think I just like the sound I know I don't want to conform I don't want to just shave and wear a suit and you know keep myself to myself and I like to and just to grow a beard and then any any porridge with my hands I'm not hurting anyone so I don't know why I don't know why I have to conform to that so there's nothing I can do for you you're yeah wait he's wasting my time no no I do feel I need to um I need to go to hospital now so uh I'm gonna go to hospital now for that I might as there is there is their care for me what's all with you I've got I've got them diseases from like eating with my hands and there's the things growing in the bed um so we just we clean that up for me now it's all been brought on yourself well never that's that's irrelevant a lot of people bring things in themself but you can't just like ignore them presume are tonight's about society and punished for being stupid well I've got to worry about me I've got got proper ill people well there you had a kid winds you at me this morning because dad was among I've seen China can you have one child can't you is that something you feel we should bring in here yeah I think we we've got I don't know about one kid I just thought I'd concentrate on a you can advocate so you know if someone's got a load of money and they got out looking after kids let Madonna have as many she wants oh yeah but then so social engineering you want yeah but then but hold on though what's you so they learn if you bring him into a poor family what's the point what good is not for anyone it's not good for the people who've had the kids decide to have how many kids I was I bought into the poor family wasn't what I was born into a poor family no no I'm talking I'm talking really poor so third-world know what poorer than that for them no money at all no I somewhere in the middle again you've gone too far the other way the other way I just mean like the people who have told you about on the estate sometimes who had that one who chased cars and stuff he wasn't happy they didn't care if he was there or not what's the point that Ricky and I are husband and wife would come in right what's your questions to us to establish whether we were allowed to have a couple of kids my husband we can't have children well because he's he's got no sperm at all he had one sperm and it was it was too ridiculous it was awful it just came out like a dead on TV right was oh you meant to have 300 million tiny ones nyet one big one it was horrible I had to pull out was like a leech and and also I know but I haven't got a vagina so there's no particular smooth though they like election but yes is that I don't know but we love children and then we wonder if we make em have a child what do you do for a living what do you do what if you work I'm a rapist terrified a rapist murderer is it in the wrong order as well I must yes a so no number of times I've disposed the body said I didn't make that one which is wondered what else you need to know about us we're because even though I was a little joke by the way working working at office he works in an office admin in the town but yeah I'm a housewife wife I'm making a little nest for when we have we adopt a little a little child we don't earn a great deal of money but we're good parents we're very good care house I'm based on well we've good people you know I mean aside from some few naughty jokes we're god-fearing people we believe that and God is watching all of us in them we believe in the Old Testament and sometimes he tells us to kill and rape yeah sometimes he does yeah particularly we've stoned a couple of homosexuals this week alone we're joking again we don't believe in God where we're from an atheist and believe that our time on earth is all we have and then when we die we become worms meat will be filled up with already we've already plated the back bedroom that's ready for the little Charlie patent it back because some we want our child to be a Satanist joking again little joke do we want him to be an accountant home guy accountant that's almost over same thing oh he's okay I think I think there's too much in society where people depress it to be heterosexual so we're gonna try and make ours a homosexual so we don't look over you get a homosexual head social but Martire by the time he's 14 he will be as some as queer as the ace of spades all right so you filled out the form fill out the form yeah well put my in get it processed okay but what kind of questions are you going to ask us the forms I mean now we don't want a child we don't want a child actually did you know where we could buy a knife we talked about the little fella plant on the tree that it will never sit under he's given that to a the next generation okay now a big discussion about donor cards of course there's no reason not to give your kidneys away after your death to all your organs is no good to you and you'll be having life it's it's it's perverse to me that you wouldn't want to donate your body to a worthy cause after your death medical research whatever um do you agree with that don't you um well you know I feel about it a little bit I don't like the idea of certain bits why don't what does it matter just because the certain base that are really personal to you aren't they no there's not what-what-what bit is more personal than other bit to you well like I've said my eyes they're my eyes the stuff I like yeah now what happens if they're under someone else has them and and they start looking our stuff I don't like I don't like the idea of that but that's ridiculous because your eyes and they're just bits of tissue then they haven't got you but we don't we don't know because there's something called cellular something or other that I've told you about about the person who has some sort of operation and like in yellow base five is mr. is bonks immediately you're not just a shoe senate because it was intrinsically bollocks no but it could work the other way anyway where a person who has my eyes starts like looking ants and insects and stuff are my sadhaks again this is all bollocks but none your memories none of your thoughts none of your reasoning nothing of you none of your personality they're just a collection of cells that now have like going through them and making this new person see there are lens there are lens that's all they are so there's no there's no reason why you know this is a crazy thing isn't it when people started saying that they wanted their organs to go to a particular ricer person and obviously that's illegal mm-hmm also it shouldn't be the choice really I think you should have that opting out that you have to say that you don't want your organs give it after and if you die then they assume that those organs are up for grabs because there's a shortage so what do you think of that like I say they can out they can have certain bits you're not having the eyes I think what can they have the cobalt after it if they didn't you say no no one's gonna have my eyes or my cock and bollocks was returned yeah what if someone said Karl you've lost your cooking bollocks Anna terrible accidents right we put some flowers at the scene of it it's bright in the area but we'd find a donor who's that my buddy didn't give you is Colin he's dead but he's talking bollocks we kept on at them then they're absolutely lovely man chatter than yours yeah bigger younger did I say you would say VC you'd have someone else's cock and bollocks but then you wouldn't don't know yours decide what about this what if you fought if you discovered later right that the person who donated the cock and bollocks right was a sex pervert was a homosexual sex pervert I don't think though that I bother looking into the history of these cock and bollocks you know except that willy-nilly but why what if you you just found out his name that was his name willy nilly that was his stage name how do I find out by chance what's the scenario they say where the doctor goes I should them tell you and I don't know you believe in little shit about yellow biscuits and bollocks like that so I just tell you in case anything goes weird this was a sex perverts and cock and bollocks so if you if you find that you're sticking these through litter boxes don't worry it's not your fault it's where they want it to have gone and sir would it continue if you accepted their cock and bollocks that had a purse like that yeah because the problem is it wouldn't be that bad if I had his eyes right because then I'm seeing what you want to see sense at all if that much is wrong the eyes don't go with a cough and bollocks anymore so something's gonna lose out either the fucking bollocks they're not gonna get what you want any more or the eyes are gonna be upset so you're scared of the idea to go back to yellow biscuit analogy the cock emotes you and Harriet whatever the previous owner did with the lives on it okay there's one final scenario here Karl okay you've you haven't opted out so your your organs go to where they like that unbeknownst to you there's a big way and this has something they've got you they've got your details and you said yeah whatever I don't want to know you wouldn't want to know what you're after you die where it goes you say I don't you said you don't want to know if you don't know you have a lovely life when you die they can go anywhere they can do what they will okay now unbeknownst to you they have got it down they've donated your ass right for use to a gay rapist with AIDS okay so they are they are saving a life there so when you die they go right with it's still warm get that gay rapist for that aids around here because that's going to stop him raping someone good maids he comes round he's straight up there he's joking you right you're you're Spacely saving your life right when they learn sorry I'm sorry I'm confused here well why is the gay rapist with AIDS got the artist is still connected to Carl they've donated the are so when when Kyle dies the doctors go right we're gonna stop at a terrible thing so the gay rapist can contract the chance go around his chance Carl gets a system of issues that stop me right okay right so so it's just cause disembodied honest on up no no no so whole it's the whole car so their car could get struggle he's having a heart attack they go pre-clear no we've lost him at 10:01 they go always a ask donor and then okay get their where's the nearest gay rapist with aids live next door getting around it like okay the games going around goes where is he right he goes there is right so Carl is face down now they turn around they there's the ass you've got ten minutes then we got a bearing I'm surprised you didn't know this guy was in the next door so the gay rapist gets on top he goes my ice is lovely right he's loving it he's shagging your right now this is the weird thing the doctors next door okay the game actually finish soon and then we have to bury him but we should inform his next of kin they go I Suzanne your husband's dead he's advertising so I'm going to come round and just identify the body I'd leave it a couple of minutes but then then come around because hope you like they're so Suzanne's on her way the gay rapist right he's pummeling your way right through but you will not believe this oh my god the movement and the way he's shagging you'd buy a star started your party right so you go he goes oh right he right has a heart attack right and he flops down on you he's just like Ed but sabaki right so now you're both naked this guy way pissed is up your ass he's dead right the shot you go fuck me how can I get out of this right you wriggle you fall onto the floor so now he's on the bottom face up you're on top of him he's still in eeeh his cock is up your ass you're sat on him wriggling suzanne walks in goes Carl what the fuck are you doing she's heard about me being dead and she cashews come – yes but yeah she gives you then they go is in there and she goes he's not dead I can see him they go oh he's been there when she bursts in they you are on top of him wriggling to try and get his know about here ask right you're sitting on a man who's dead what do you say I just say I got a John Doe / the hard isn't it to imagine yourself a different period in time and how you would have reacted now if you think about America in the 1950s black people still very much second-class citizens you've obviously heard of the famous Rosa Parks incident in which she was obliged to move on the bus from where she was sent to somewhere else and she chose not to when she was arrested for it became very much sort of figurehead of the civil rights movement had you been traveling on that bus what would you do am i far from where I am I'm going off so once again you can't just nip out at the next stop so you can wash your hands of the whole affair know you're on that bus you've still got a number of stops you live further away than Rosa does because you've got a lovely big house where she didn't never love me but she can't afford it so you've got stay on that bus you've seen this now you've seen this bus driver demanding that she gets up gives up that seat maybe she's giving up that seat for you maybe you've got on that bus as a privileged white man and she refuses to get up on your behalf her I probably go it's all right I'm standing I'm all right but why would you say that because you're thinking of the modern day car you are thinking of the man from the 1950s well we don't have to we don't have to go back in time or we can go to a country now where you'd see an injustice where you were outnumbered by the law of the land what if Suzanne wasn't allowed to sit with you on buses what if what if now a law came in that women were second-class citizens and she can't come with you wouldn't you go no fuck that she's sitting with me I'd say we're only going around the block we've been to the to the shopping center the only 15 minutes can you tell that by with you because there's no one something nice you don't know I'm a bit crammed in up here these more blokes and the boss I'll see you in a minute it's not a big issue I've done it on the train we're booked tick isn't it then it'll be indifferent tickets no go I'll see now that's that's that's like that circumstance one is one is policy surely conditions in a principle and a bit of luck uh but it's what you get used to at the end of the day I mean I'm not walking past them slapping them on the back of the ED I'm getting on and it's just that's where they sit that's where we sit like men and women going into a separate toilet pal let's put this – I mean obviously this is too much for your head – you're on a bus right and there's a few white people and they're on the driver and they're being racist to a black kid no I go if I'm driving I've got listen let's stop that will you if you're gonna be racist can you go you know with all other tough days the end of the day we just don't want to go home we've all been working I he's not in your ways sat in his own seat sit back calm down hundun off but what if they said now we what we usually sit there we want that seat would you think either black kids a troublemaker or just you would you go come on just move my baby peaceful I'd go what what do you what I do do you want to move so this is calm down you shouldn't say that he doesn't he doesn't matter he wants to move or not it's his right right to move do what you want man if you want to stay there and fight your own no no stay there don't you have a journey you come surely you want to be on the side of right I'm just doing my job I'm start driving a boss I'm driving a boss for 30 quid a week eh I'm getting a load of grief I think bigger than the bus rule it's not just the bus thing right just it may only you're not a bus driver all right that's what we're talking about here but yes but Ricky's trying to make a point it's an analogy again it's about you taking some kind of responsibility that could you be yeah it could mean that you've got to stand up to danger or to bullies if someone's attacking Suzanne she goes Karl how you go now because I know the full story but this is what I'm saying about Doria Rosie what to say I'm just saying she sat on the boss how did he work she's that way she wanted no I'll tell you how it worked the middle sections of bus what black people could sit there but it was up to the drivers discretion to change where black people could say depending on the number of white passengers that gone so she sat in a seat some more more what passengers go on so this bloke decides wonder actually this is no longer the black section there's no back section because there's enough white people you've got stand up and she decided no I'm not gonna get up it's my right to me to sit on this bus as a person as a human being not whether or black or white and that was why she got arrested she lost in the end Lindsay what do you mean she lost in the end there's a black president he a police not because of her getting on a boss that's just because times change spearhead of the civil rights movement that was we haven't won it by Martin Luther King but all those little things go towards change on a different boss on a different day you might not turn down that way that's what I'm saying it might have been you know someone else who goes get off of whose it was been in the right mood might have been in the pub or afternoon and she's there go now I'm not moving and he's fed up he's up to a with it yeah might have even been a black bloke you've been working out and it's like I don't want this but this interests you so perhaps Paul's over the police are called out you say this is he said that because in the Rose apart incident there were a number of other black men all of them did stand up I think five of them were there and four of them stood up and she state sat down so there was four people there who did choose the easier ink the easier life and she stayed sat down and she's the one who went to prison and she's the one who's remembered because of what she did on that day he's difficult in it if I was on there and wire up you know is this woman doing this as like a good cause or is she just a trouble cause she just seemed like you know I'll do I want no that's fine you'll always get people who do what they want and they do change their little rules along the way but I bet shit when she was doing it wasn't like a big stand up this is this is the day I'm gonna do it it's just happened to choose fed up that day she didn't want to get up lazy she might just turn out law breaking all the time then she's remembered now because she'd made a change about both seats well when she got up that morning did she say I'm gonna do that or is she been flying tipping before she got on the bus she just said she's not a troublemaker she's someone who already had a burgeoning interest in the civil rights I mean I we need to fought the poet citizen was pretty cut-and-dry it's not the fact that carl's managed to find a number you unit is extraordinary I love it tell me something else about Rosie oh for God's sake I don't know what she's got to do to be this difficult Carl Thomas Jefferson you know is once observed a nation as a society forms a moral person and every member of it is personally responsible for his society but Jefferson's fellow countrymen as you know the American writer an intellectual Randolph Bourne know it some years later society is one vast conspiracy for carving one into a kind of statue it likes and then placing it in the most convenient niche it has so one saying no this is why we're more people the society is great for us it it turns us into responsible people okay and we we should love that society and make sure it's perpetuated but Vaughn said no no it's just a way to mold someone into what it likes and put it into a little box so it can't hurt anyone yeah okay yeah that's not the case no bums both of them arrived both of them a right but they contradict both opinions but you mean I don't know why I am the way I am it just happens tonight you know I don't like killing a fly no one would stop me if I did there's something in me that goes don't do that right so this is a very important theory because you're basically saying well you could be saying one of the things you could be saying the goodness is innate not likely know or it could be saying that there's a morality that transcends rules and society pressure weather or something's legal or not doesn't mean that you have to do it because it's legal yeah yes not all you men that's why man there's a bit of trouble in our yard it'll die right between a wasp on a cricket is there any point to this at all or you just gonna tell us useful will extrapolate some analogy from this I think so ok yeah so there's a what else now it said to verify as you said it was kicking off okay so now say your line up your window I'm in the kitchen and I think yeah washing up we've got a new sink with our dishwasher as well but I said well I use the sink we paid for it go so you're like a Luddite threatened by the technology you're thinking you're worth will be taken away your reason in the world will be taken away by the dishwasher so no no Suzanne we've got a dishwasher but I am gonna carry on you're gonna need me I want to show unneeded so use it it's like I don't understand that if someone's got a really nice car but you have a chauffeur drive it yours enjoy it enjoy your car well I yell a guy a change yeah you don't drive I know yeah so that's all right but what I'm saying is I've got a sink I've got a dishwasher what am i doing if I put the dishwasher on what am I gonna do I'm just gonna sit down do nothing probably wash up then do something useful I do a better job than the machine doesn't go into the machine all together that now because sometimes I might want to go for a walk or something when you go for a walk all the time is good whew I've had a walk in the morning anyway so you know that was all the prelude to the wasp good to top that is life so complicated for a man who does nothing at all right is why his life is so complicated no because it's the same thing that kitchens failing using the dishwasher there it's not doing anything it's not even plugged in it's pointless what's going on I'm washing up a few plates right the kitchen doors open right Suzanne says oh my god looking at what is it like a wasp and a cricket having a wrestle never seen before you sure this wasn't Mexican television and it actually look worse a spoiler stuff yeah so they they're wrestling and I would stop him then you don't interfere with fucking Rosa Parks why you in a cricket because one I didn't even know they didn't get on so be honest because apartheid in segregation I didn't even know they didn't get on to be honest because they they were sort of wrestling us and my arms were wet so I can do anything that I always do it with the fairy liquid yeah so she's there I say good great and separate them so she uses a tea towel flicks and flip good thinking the wasp goes its own way the cricket sort of jumping about a bit well I'm sort of saying that it's really weird because wasps are changing quicker than anything else that I keep my eye on okay with us just your theory and it's not based on it that's all you couple years back I saw one eaten chicken in it so anyway so now causing trouble with a cricket well how'd you know it was the wasp all this is prejudice why do you think was the wasp or what what if the cricket would the started it what if the crickets got society to go we ain't whilst create their stripes we ate him if they come in find him if everyone comes down here find him how would you know it wasn't the creek in the started that well I suppose that that time I didn't but since all my information I'm sorry because we broke it up the cricket was sort of shaking a bit he was shaking a little bit yeah so I saw probably there a little leaf over it was a hot day put a leaf there so it doesn't get overheated in the marathon so Suzanne we you know if we leave you for a bit it's Ralph an hour what did Susan want to do she won't interfere did she should what does she want to do just sort of like no she just said leave it stop messing with it's probably a little bit knocked out which Don shot on with her life she said yeah so I put the leaf on it you've got too much very liquid won't we use the dishwasher the girls for in a great day people can so we go off and half an hour later I get back in and I said where we go where'd you go for a walk hold on why you put this in the dishwasher and go for a walk I don't understand so now you're because now as a dishwasher sitting there bone idle your washing up when you could be walking and then you're still is a good job I didn't go for a walk I won it because what would that have turned out that fight Dorothy now back in have a look Crickett still there knowest one of these likes go oh don't know if the wasps did that or the type to tell flick or it was already disabled and that's why the wasp thought this is an easy one what if the wasps was helping it it was because we're such friends and humans don't understand his name interfered would definitely don't understand that's right he's not an entomologist all right this is when I've got the computer and he'll write had a look and it's a yeah what was it called remember what happened is the wasp apparently does this a lot and he stings him in the end rod loved this particularly if there wasn't like a little profile of this particular wasps and crickets right so it stung it in the air and what happens is it's that whole thing that we've talked about before where it lays an egg right so I was I was sort of having a look seeing if I could see any sort of holes in his head and it just kept sort of moving it's one leg so range movies one leg it was sort of just moving his one leg quite slowly like he's just lost one leg he said yeah it's lost one yeah he's moving five legs slowly no it's just this one big one we've got one big leg one big leg at the back now it's known they got two that uses to jump oh I see so okay so it's now I've only got one this sort of line huh it looks gross in our grasshopper if it's jump is it not what color was it it like sort of beige oh I'm probably a cricket yeah so so anyways important so you were worried that crickets aren't aware of the dangers of wasps you did a bit of leaflets in amongst the cricket inking I just had a lock online and saw that oh it's a popular thing that happens you saw like a bit of a mugging he said you can leave them for about half an hour they normally come round and they don't know they've had an egg put in their head but there's no way it said leave them half and they come around the red but and there's no way so you said the normally stung for about half hour have you had to make button you're right so anyway so I picked it off a placed under a little tree so it's in the shade again no one can see let's just leave it mmm but you've just left that cricket to now die in agony with that Matt goes round his head and comes out a wasp and leaves the car well this is when Suzanne came up and said it wasn't moving I saw it when we sorted it I just thought it well I said what do you mean you saw in it we don't tell you what sorry to tell you but we wait wait wait wait do you think that we're in the Mafia and we're being wiretapped say what happened no well she just said she saw it and I said what sorted walks I've forgotten about that point I was painting if I had the the cricket right what do you think she meant by saw in it well by the look on her face the way she said it I've known her for long enough so I know that she meant it's not good news yeah so what so what happened so from that I took for granted she means say it I've stopped I've stopped it being it's no longer in misery so what do you mean what what did she do she crushed his head because she said it was more specifically just the head she just crushed the head with a stone she caused a Tiny's head Shane stoned and washed it because that's where all the action isn't it so she said it was it was too cruel watching it sort of shaken about with his one leg and stuff mmm not to kill it I imagine I this vision that one day I'm just having to say to his parents I saw in it I saw it I had to fly of his misery well I just couldn't bear to see the 20 they know one an elite about to know but I just took a rock you know and just ghost it's what was in it it was Miss Kate was there it was there and egging it from an animal what it was like it was like you know and you won't get a blown egg and then you'd crush it in it was nothing yeah the beginning talk I just think he seems happier absolutely happier I was happy because I'm much happier because he's sort of far more sensible without the head yeah we're still happy together but now we've the dishwasher instead of him working when he got one of the cost morning food what what metaphor are you taking from this just the way yes at the beginning there was meant there was gonna be a point you're gonna strap like for this like a fable so what did you learn from that I thought was doing right at the time and his objective or subjective you know one person's evil is another person's good some people think abortion is the worst thing you do others think it's it's a it's a a woman's right and it's it's a kindness it's some people think that you should never care under any circumstances other people say that some killing is morally right again should an action be judged on its intent or its result if someone said to you oh I thought I was doing a good thing but you know they open the windows and you can't fell now I thought they would they didn't even know you had a cat did they knock it though or did he just jump out he just jumped out well I saw I'd say some I fall you count stuffed no he was often a I've open the window yeah well I'm not getting the blame for that no that wasn't my point was it that if you if you open the window right and they come home and you go oh my god the cat's home town kill yourself you go oh my god I'm so sorry I open the window because I wasn't listening I was doing the bit so did I no it's John town no no I'll probably say you sure they didn't do that before I got here this morning did you have the window open right I don't think I looks like it's been there a while apparently you easily don't want to be culpable for your own actions I mean you did it is your fault the cat's dead it's an accident but nevertheless he's still your role if it's definitely me yeah I'd say yeah jumped I opened the window if it was hot in here can't jump town dead it's gonna get another one I worry that much about a cow like what it was a baby well it's a bit awkward I'd like to ask you if I may stop twiddling that now this interesting use you were fiddling with a bit of plastic there and it was annoying me and I know a lot of things annoy Ricky get them very infuriating for him so for that okay now that's if we that's not obviously inscribed by law these are just things which have built up in society so for instance it's impolite to sneeze and then shake someone's hand yeah it's or sneeze straight in their face and go I'm sorry I've got swine flu now those things are obviously good practice in terms of avoiding the spread of disease so that makes sense but other things also to be disgusting so for someone hasn't got a disease I don't like to see someone sneeze on the pavement or sniff or scratch their ass so social etiquette I mean how do you decide I mean what what prevents you from being truthful and honest at all times then I was something in you and sometimes you can just pop it out currently I've been in a situation when I've said stuff and I've thought how did I say that it's gone but it's not always in the dentist my son went to the dentist sat in the reception bit big fat woman comes up the stairs massive she was matter I sweat on breath yes again you know I mean two's friendly dead friendly but kind of like you know leggings on sort of you know shoes but not on properly she was stood on the heel yeah yeah like she couldn't be bothered yes like greasy air and she went up and she's been all all happy and everything and I think that's what annoyed me so when she saw said oh yeah I've lost weight she was talking to the woman get on the counter and she sort of said yeah I find it really difficult especially living where I live and um to come down the high street because there's so many cake shops and everything and she sort of said you know today I've walked past normally I always have a coffee in a day or not but today you know I didn't have a copy today or not and I just said why was it shot I did honestly I mister God on your mum's life I said I was no it's really really weird it's really across this waiting room or let's just say it was a cease of small waiting room see you upstairs you go and you've got about four chairs and then this old desk and I get on with the woman behind the counter I always sit close to it and it was just me there and I was talking to her about going to Corfu or something she comes in sweating like some bison and she's there and because she was showing up it was like well you should have done it a long time ago I think she annoyed me that she wanted some sort of pat on her on a big hefty fat back that day now maybe it's the enemy I just came because I remember saying it and actually get you know I'm saying to Suzanne I said this I didn't even think sometimes you sometimes you want to go in with people and they're going oh darling you want to put them down you want to know I'm stopping out with you because you're going to go straight back to that you do this that you know I know you won't just inject him in the end absolutely pointless get rid of it yeah I know what you mean but talk about social etiquette I was in a fly-in to Edinburgh and I was with Matt my assistant and there was a bloke on a mobile phone across the way right he's going yeah yeah I'm just gonna get on the plane now and he kept talking that loud into people what and it was fuming then he stopped and made another call I was giving dirty looks and Matt was going oh sit down sir and and they was going I am in the airport and I shouted he's in the airport he didn't notice I was shouting no but I was fuming a few min and Matt was just getting so embarrassed they don't see you then people looking at me like I was the mental case yeah but it was so fucking loud and I moved through to another place but I wanted to get someone I wanted to be policed I want to go right there's a cunt over there swinging beer thinks he's a fucking Gordon Gekko player and he's nice some plant who's got his first mobile phone right but what in I mean yeah that is that is infringing that is like that's like passive smoking to me yeah it annoys me when you hear these are awful middle-class parents talking to their kid enough to let everyone know what their kid knows you know I mean yeah it they they bring up conversations because they're showing off about the kid then um Toby what's that you were saying earlier about you preferred Beethoven to write okay if that kid talks about Beethoven and Chopin right it's you know I mean though it's like people showing off you're thinking the world is interested in everything they fucking say that that thing about everyone's got access which is fine but it's those fat fucking morons on docu soaps that go I speak as I fucking think you've useless fucking blob of shit yes have an education research think discuss then offer your opinion and stop your kids chewing on a fucking big bowl of fat your leg got someone specific in mind well that's about it hope you enjoyed the Ricky Gervais guide to society I think we fair we've sorted everything out there Steve hmm yeah not many questions left unanswered no it's a pretty in-depth analysis of what society is and and how to improve it I think young in many ways a big people listening brain they Alba and they go okay I was probably on saying keep out of it this is an insect so it's goodbye from me Ricky Gervais Stephen Merchant goodbye and from the little round-headed simian type thing we call karl Pilkington




Comments
  1. Plonkington would be the absolute BEST anti-hero, and by 'anti-hero' I mean someone who doesn't step in to defend the helpless, pretends not to hear the screams of the endangered and when that big spotlight hits the night sky (in the shape of a giant dick), he pretends to be checking his phone.

    Plonkington : The hero who comes to no one's rescue (yes, he's 'sick of it' still) !!!

  2. gotta love folks who chime on and on about helmets of motorbikes..
    wonder if they ever actually buy a new one and see the little tag it comes with that says its not very protective above 25mph ( you know the speed range were most driving is done) and that they can cause a lack of vision and sight
    now im not anti helmet but they are NOT the end all be all life saver people think they are..
    try wearing one as you drive your car.. and then when youre pulled over the officer will explain its illegal because it RESTRICTS HEARING AND VISION.. awesome lets be a bit more deaf and blind 100% of the time while riding a bike so we can be a bit more safe in the minuscule chance we get hit AND the helmet is the parameters where it can save you..
    helmets can save you but will definately make you deafer blinder and less aware of whats going on. but hey the upside is they make a great place to mount a gopro so you can film your own death while driving like an idiot..

  3. "Adam Frazer
    Adam Frazer
    1 month ago
    Pretty sure Plonkington shouldn't be allowed to cast votes, even for those televised singing competitions. "

    No matter how you meant that. As a joke, a troll, or you really believe that. All I can say is WOW. I don't care to argue so I will not. Just WOW!

  4. It’s after 5:50 – the helmet and the head incident. Karl is in great form throughout this podcast – I would say the ‘Guide to’ series is the best, and this is best of the best. He is anti-PC and libertarian – that is probably why he is so popular. Because he is clever about it, and there is palpably no reason to disagree with him on anything, we laugh without guilt.

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