How to Teach Kids Respect in 3 Simple Steps!

(cheesy music) (sighs) – Hi, Mom. (anxious music) I don’t know, Mom. I just don’t. I just don’t wanna talk about it, okay? I don’t wanna talk about it,
I don’t wanna talk about it. Mom, I said I don’t wanna talk about it. How are we speaking to our parents? Are we hanging up on them? Are we raising our voice? Are we interrupting? Mom, mom? (gasps) You know, you’re… You know, you know, I don’t
need to listen to this. I don’t, I’m not listening to this. It can be really
uncomfortable, but necessary, to look ourselves in the mirror. How are we speaking to our parents? (inspiring music) Welcome to the “The
Parenting Junkie Show.” I’m Avital, and this is the place to be to love parenting and parent from love. Today I’m answering a
question from Samantha. “Dear Avital, I totally believe “in peaceful and respectful parenting, “but I feel as though I’m letting
my children disrespect me. “It says in the Bible, ‘Obey
thy father and thy mother,’ “and here I am letting them
disobey me and disrespect me. “I worry that I’m raising
kids who are disrespectful. “Thank you so much for any insights “on how to reconcile this, Samantha.” I totally understand this question. When you wanna be a peaceful parent, it can sometimes feel like
you’re raising children who don’t know how to be respectful because you’re not demanding
the obedience and the respect that mainstream culture tells us to, because in our culture we want obedience. It’s even in the Bible, right? Well, maybe so, although
I personally speak Hebrew, and in reading the original
text of the Ten Commandments, I could tell you that the interpretation and the translation that I grew up on was that it didn’t say obey
your father and your mother, but rather respect your
father and your mother, and that the meaning of respecting them was to be considerate of
them, to care for them, to make sure that they
could live with dignity, with a roof over their head, and shelter, and clothing, and food. Being respectful in this way was about having compassion,
and civility, and being polite, not about obedience, not about fulfilling each
and every wish and whim, and living your life in
accordance to their demand. We can debate the interpretation
of the biblical verse as much as we want, but the point that I wanna make is that I think peaceful parenting can actually create a truer, deeper, meaningful sense of respect for another. The difference between the
mainstream parenting approach of our children need to be taught
to obey us and to respect us and the peaceful parenting approach is that in the peaceful parenting approach we put the onus of respect on ourselves, and if you look at the
biblical verse again, it’s kind of interesting that it says, “Respect thy father and thy mother.” In other words, you are
commanded to respect, not to demand respect from someone else. The biblical verse and this commandment is on each and every one of us to be respectful to our
fathers and our mothers, not to tell our children
to be respectful to us. Now, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t raise
children who respect us, but it does beg the question: How do we create an atmosphere of respect without demanding it? What we need to do here
is shift our perspective and put the onus of teaching respectful
attitudes and behaviors on ourselves, on the adults
who can understand this. Rather than demanding respect, let’s become people who command respect. After all, even though all people deserve
respect all of the time, it can be really hard to
respect someone who yells at us, punishes us and threatens us, someone who controls us, or who demands that we respect them, so if we wanna raise
children who are respectful, here are three things to consider. Number one, respect your elders. Remember that the commandment
to be respectful is on us, and I don’t just mean this
in the biblical sense. I mean it psychologically too. We are the ones who need to be respectful of older generations, and of all people, in order to model and teach respect. Think back to the last conversation you had with your parents, or with a lady in the supermarket. Those are the times that we
model respect for our children, and we show them how
we should treat others, the way we treat our aging parents, the way we care for them, the way we talk to them on the phone: I know that’s not easy for you. Well, do you wanna explain that to me from your perspective, ’cause I’m having a hard
time understanding that. These are the things that will
karmically come back to us. These are the ways that our
children are really learning, on a deeper, more ingrained level, what respecting elders means. Number two is to respect your youngers. – [Child] I wanna eat. – Okay, I’m on the
phone, I’m on the phone. – I want–
– Stop interrupting me! I’m on the phone! – I want to eat.
(woman grunts) – You know, you are so rude. Can you just go? Go. Oh my god, it is
non-stop, let me tell you. We’ve already mentioned here that everybody deserves
respect, no matter their age, and it doesn’t mean being obedient. Doesn’t mean that we listen
to everything that they say, and do everything that they ask, but it does mean that we care to speak
politely and kindly to them. The way that we talk to our children will necessarily, by definition, be mirrored back in the
way that they talk to us. If we listen to them without interrupting, and if we talk to them
in gentle and kind tones that preserves their dignity, we can expect those things back to us because that is how children develop. They mimic what they see around them. (laughs) I know what you mean. Yeah, okay.
– I want to– – Just, just, sorry, um,
sorry, just one moment. I hear that you’re interrupting me. I’m just on a phone call. I’ll be with you in three
minutes, okay, darling? – Okay.
– All right. If we treat them with respect, we’re much more likely for them to be the type of
people who respect others, including us. And finally, number three, and this is one I know a
lot of us struggle with, respect yourself. Remember that we teach
people how to treat us. We teach them with how we treat ourselves. If you are grabbing your meals on the go, and eating just toddler leftovers, if you’re not brushing your
teeth or having your shower, you can expect other people
to disrespect you as well. The energy that we put out into the world is the energy that gets
reflected back to us, and if you want your children to mirror that respect for you, you’re going to need to
hold those boundaries around respecting yourself,
whatever that means. Does it mean giving yourself more time? Or does it mean finishing a
project that you’ve started? Or does it mean just washing
your face in the morning? Respect yourself, and don’t allow others to talk to you in a way that disrespects you. If your child is being disrespectful
to you, tell them that. Say, “I find that disrespectful. “Please don’t talk to me that way.” Ask them to rephrase it. “Please can you say that
in a more polite way?” or, “Share your feelings. “I don’t like being spoken to that way. “Can you say it more
respectfully, please?” Our children don’t know how to
treat us until we teach them, and that’s true for
everybody in our lives. When you respect yourself, you become someone who commands respect, just with your presence
and your energy field, rather than someone who
has to scream and yell to demand respect. Do you ever worry about raising children who are disrespectful? I know I do, and I would love to have
that conversation with you over at theparentingjunkiecom/blog. Just leave your comment
there on this post. I would love to hear. Did you know that “The
Parenting Junkie Show” has a podcast version as well, where we dive deeper into these issues. I would love to invite you on over there. If you found this message
helpful, snap a selfie, or just tag me over on
Instagram @parentingjunkie. I would absolutely love
to hear your opinions on this subject. You can share out this link with anyone who you think
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and parenting from love.

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