Coming Clean : Episode 11 Relationships - Toxicity. Personal Responsibility. Communication.

hey guys welcome back to coming clean it has been a little while since I've recorded and it feels like literally a lifetime but I think it's been maybe two weeks so I took really one week off of releasing an episode and I just felt like I wanted to check back in I wanted to get back into the swing of things and like I said on my last podcast episode the cold weather and the holidays and a couple of other things that have happened in my personal life have really thrown me off of my routine so that's why I've been kind of gone for a little while and now I'm back and I have three really awesome episodes coming up with really awesome people this one today is just me hanging out by myself and it's not going to be a long episode it's just going to be little 30 minute episode about relationships and although I could go on and on about relationships as we all could because we all have them in one way or another we all have relationships I'm going to specifically talk about intimate relationships meaning significant other so a partner not necessarily family or friend relationships just significant other so to get started I want to give you a little bit of a brief brief background of what I've experienced in relationships just so you know kind of where I'm coming from and in a nutshell I've kind of touched on these in previous episodes but I'll give you a little summary real quick so basically I went all throughout high school without a boyfriend I saw a lot of my friends or my family members like well specifically my sister I watched her in a serious relationship and as many highschool relationships are it was like not the greatest most perfect relationship but it was a high school sweetheart and I just preferred to observe so I observed her relationship my my parents were divorced when I was six years old and then my mom was divorced a second time just outside of high school so outside of me getting out of high school but I just I guess I just wasn't so sure that I wanted to be dating anybody I had crushes and I had guys that I would kind of hang out with and like go to movies with and stuff but I never had a relationship so my first real relationship was when I was 19 I went to spring break a spring break trip to Panama City Beach in Florida and I met this guy and literally was like head over heels for this guy and we spent the next nine months or so like long distance he lived in Florida I lived here and I could do a whole episode on this relationship because I learned so much about myself not really in the process of it but now looking back oh I learn a lot about myself and a lot about relationships and how they can go wrong and just you just really like the interesting variables that affect the success of a relationship and age is definitely a huge factor knowing how much time you have in front of you that really played games with my head for instance I just I could have been with the most perfect person in the entire world and I was like really afraid to commit because I thought I have so much life ahead of me like can we really be together for the rest of my life like if I'm gonna live to a hundred can we really spend the next 80 years together like this is a lot of time like should I really be doing this so I was constantly questioning myself and my ability to commit because I had never been in a relationship and although I was literally addicted to this guy and everything that he said and did and every moment we spent together I was still definitely doubting myself and if I have any advice to my younger self it would it would be a lot of things it's kind of hard to pinpoint it and it's so hard to even say that I would change anything because I I learned through the heartache that I felt and I learned about how much my lack of consciousness played a role in my toxic relationship it started out as a really great relationship we had like a really really deep connection we felt really connected to each other but I just I fell into this codependency of needing him to be around for me to even be happy and then I was really insecure I thought he was always going to cheat on me I thought he that I wasn't good enough and this is really where looking back this is where my own insecurities ruined my ability to have a relationship because I completely I I created the toxicity and he maybe did as well but I play a huge role and when it comes to toxic relationships if you're in a toxic relationship right now or you've been in one before or you're about to get into one at least from my perspective I believe that both people have the toxicity that they're bringing to the scenario because if one person is completely at peace with themselves they have true confidence true inner security and true self love then they don't one they don't attract someone that is broken I don't think at least they don't attract it into their life they're not attracted to that they don't they're not drawn to the drama and they also they don't put up with it right their standard it's just love their standard is pure joy enlightenment and it doesn't have to be perfect I'm not saying anyone has a perfect relationship and that's actually the beauty of relationships is that they're really perfect they're never perfect because they're there as a mirror for us and when you're in a relationship whether it's toxic or not it's always providing you as an opportunity to become the next best version of yourself now the toxic relationship may not be able to do that for you until you're completely out of it and you become the next best version even if that is because you ended it and that's really really difficult to do and so in my case in my relationship with this guy that I had met on spring break I was so young we dated for like two years and we lived together I basically did not know how to communicate my feelings I was very passive aggressive I was very insecure I was very jealous and I never spoke what was on my mind because I didn't know how I don't think that I was taught those skills specifically and I only knew how to basically guilt someone into doing what I wanted or at least tried to guilt some someone into doing what I wanted and I truly believe that we both played a huge role but ultimately I just didn't know how to be my best self I wasn't willing to change I wasn't willing to wake up yet so I ended the relationship because I felt like I was dying inside and I was I was slowly but surely making myself smaller and smaller by not speaking my truth now that wasn't his fault at all it was completely my responsibility and I don't know if I would have become my best self if maybe he would have as well I don't know and I'll never know that but all I know is that I played a huge role in the toxicity of that relationship and I think when we are at that age and we don't know much about life we don't know much about ourselves or relationships we don't know how to get rid of our ego and we also don't know how to get rid of the accidental conditioning that we have from watching our parents interact with each other and watching the people around us interact with each other we don't know how to fully blossom and become a great communicator and someone that's ready to love and so you know you know if you've been through that heartbreak you know what it feels like it's absolutely terrible it's the worst emotional pain I've ever felt in my life and I thought I could not go on any longer it was definitely a catalyst for my addictions and my depression but it also then was a catalyst for my transformation in my growth so I'm grateful for it but it's so difficult when you're in that scenario because when it comes to toxic relationships it's toxic it's called a toxic relationship because it literally has you feeling like you are dying inside you feel stuck you feel lost you feel resentful you feel afraid and you feel like you don't know how to free yourself and it's never easy and you don't get out of it completely clear of paint and that's why it's really hard so if you're in that relationship right now I think every situation is different if you have a scenario where your your life is at stake or your physical well-being is at stake if you're being physically or even verbally abused leave somehow find strength find the the the courage within yourself and the self-love and the worthiness to leave and it doesn't have to be forever say for instance this person goes through a transformation which I think many people can then maybe you get back together in the future but at least leave now so that you can begin healing yourself you can begin becoming the person you need to become and they can do the same and then just go from there but don't stay if you don't feel growth if you're in a toxic relationship and you feel like you aren't giving your all try just for a month and again this is if you're not in danger but if you feel like you're in a toxic relationship simply because the communication isn't there that desire isn't there the love isn't there and you don't know how to get out just as an experiment try for one month giving it your absolute all and this is gonna be really hard because you're gonna have to completely drop your ego because your ego says no he doesn't love me so therefore I can't love him or or her right well did this to me so therefore I have to hold a grudge or have to be resentful or there you know not giving me this that I want or they're not making enough money or whatever it is imagine for a moment that you just started dating put yourself back in that place use your imagination and truly give it your absolute all for one month fully go all in love them show them affection show them everything that you want from them give it to them all the love all the affection all the attention all the desire that you want give it to them for one month if that doesn't help then you decide if you need to leave but at least give it one more shot for a month so that's the best advice I can give in that area if you have specific questions on this on how I went through my process you can ask but I didn't do it in a very good way I didn't take that month and give it my all I actually never even explained that I was upset and after two years of dating and being head over heels in love addicted to one another attached at the hip doing everything together and then having the relationship kind of fall apart at one point we didn't even talk about things I would just cry myself to sleep and then he would just be like confused and then one day I bought him a plane ticket to go back to Florida where he was from and he was shocked he had no idea because I didn't communicate I didn't explain to him what was going on before it got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore so I guess that's another small piece of advice about early powerful one is that if you're feeling any any negative emotion about your relationship whether it's financially related having to do with parenting having to do with their relationship to their parents or your relationship to your parents or how things how that's affecting your relationship your living situation your communication or lack thereof your intimacy your diet whatever it is speak up now and the reason I say speak up now is because we all know those feelings do not go away they grow they build and that's where toxic resentment comes from and it gets harder and harder to say something and I when I do look back although I said I wouldn't do anything different I do feel a sense of guilt or at least I feel a little bit bad that I didn't explain myself sooner that I just threw this on him and said I can't do it any longer I don't think that's fair I don't think that's very adult-like very mature I don't think that's loving and it's not conscious but I was none of those things so I didn't know any better but now I do so if you have anything that you are dealing with that you are frustrated about that you can't stand any longer or you just have a tiny little annoyance sometimes we have to pick our battles if it's just the way that they're saying something or the way that they put the dishes away maybe you just let it slide but I think everything should be able to be talked about because if you can't talk about the little things how are you supposed to talk about the big things and then all of a sudden you find yourself sitting on a couch next to each other both of you scrolling through your cell phones not knowing who the other one is and not knowing what's going through the other one's mind so speak up now and practice sharing ideas and sharing your truth by doing it with little things so that when the big things come which they always will it's inevitable then you have a little bit of practice and you have some strength in that area okay so next thing I want to share is a tool that I learned last year when I was living in Arizona for a very brief time last winter Dalton and I my boyfriend and I we lived in Arizona for the entire winter and when we were traveling and we were especially when we were in Arizona I was going through another transformation I had already gone through the transformation of initially quote-unquote waking up but now this was two years later and I was going through it all over again because my ego was being really challenged we had no jobs out there we had no way of making money so we had no certainty of where our money was going to come from we were quickly running out of money and I was just feeling really negative I was feeling really lost I felt disconnected because I didn't have my family there I didn't have any girlfriends to hang out with and I also wasn't fully being my authentic self completely yet and I think that's why looking back on things like this are so beautiful because it almost like the fact that I had no friends no family no job to lean – and to hide behind I had to fully open myself up to my partner – Dalton because he was all I had and I'm not saying that you should remove yourself from everybody and isolate yourself and put yourself in a room with your partner so that you can be yourself with them but it isn't a bad way to force yourself to come out of your shell and to make sure that you're not hiding anything and you might not even know that you're hiding things but when you don't have anything to lean on like your job to keep you busy or your kids to keep you busy or family events or friends or whatever if you just had nothing to do all day every day and you spent every moment with your significant other imagine that right now how would that go would you guys have things to talk about and if you didn't would you be okay with that can you just sit in silence together and feel at ease I went through all of this when we were in Arizona and I was really challenged by it and I was listening to a lot of things that were very spiritual innocence meaning not religious spiritual meaning connecting to my intuition connecting to my femininity connecting to Source Energy the universe basically just the silent voice of truth within and kind of a softer side of things that maybe aren't as logical or practical or scientific which is how generally speaking the male mind works and so there were things and topics that Dalton didn't really it's not that he didn't understand them maybe things that he just didn't really care about and I started to feel really challenged by that and looking back again in hindsight it showed me how much I value spirituality how much I value getting in touch with my intuition and I had to fight for it I had to argue for it and he's so open and to talk about things and he never gets emotional so I was the one getting emotional I was one getting defensive and then I got to see you where am i clinging where am i attached why do I care so much about this and if I really want to be at ease and at peace and connected to my source energy then I wouldn't be getting all riled up and defensive so that brought me to the next level that helped me level up in my consciousness because I realized that because I wanted to be enlightened so badly I was getting emotionally upset about it and that's the complete opposite of being conscious and aware and enlightened so that experience was super helpful and within that experience because I was being challenged by him which if you look at it as though this is an illusion you're in a video game every or even a movie right every character in the movie including your significant other is just a character that's there to teach you lessons to show you different parts of yourself that you wouldn't have already you wouldn't otherwise notice and in those times specifically Dalton was there to show me the differences between us and cause me to realize that I was placing so much blame outside of myself and that I had done this so much in my previous relationship that I would look outside to him and and I would say he's the reason I'm him I'm unhappy he's the reason I'm sad right now he's gonna cheat on me he's this he's making me feel insecure all these things pointing to him and I realized I was still doing that I was starting to build resentment I was I was looking to Dalton to say he's the reason I can't be more spiritual he's the reason I can't meditate he's the reason I can't be in touch with my intuition when none of that was true and so that brought me to this work that I want you to look into because I swear it will change your life her name is Byron Katie and it's called the work so I'm gonna put this all in the notes so you can actually see it and I'll link you to her website and then you should go and look at her videos on YouTube because this is what I did I watched one of her videos on YouTube and it was a real life situation of a woman talking about her boyfriend and how she was basically projecting looking to him blaming him for her unhappiness and so the work goes like this in a nutshell it's four questions that you have to ask yourself when you're feeling emotionally triggered so I'm just going to use this example as or I'm just going to use the example of being in a significant and intimate relationship your significant other so say that you are upset at your boyfriend because he's judging you and actually this happened so I'll use a personal example okay I started making videos last summer for my eCourse and I put on some mascara before I did it by the way I don't usually wear makeup so I put on mascara and Dalton came home he saw the mascara and he was like why did you put mascara on and that's all he said okay so here goes my mind just completely gone crazy and I'm like oh my god he's judging me from wearing makeup and now I can't even put mascara on because he's gonna make fun of me for caring too much and now he is making me feel like I'm insecure and I should take it off and I should just I should be happy with my completely plain face and how fake of me to want to put mascara on and and this is all his fault for making me feel this way like how dare he make me feel bad about wearing mascara I can wear mascara as I want to all this right so question number one in the work is it true is it true that he thinks that I'm fake for wearing mascara is it true that he thinks I should wash it off is it true that he's the reason I'm feeling insecure right now is it true well my ego might initially in that first moment say yeah it is true it is his fault okay well question number two can you be absolutely sure that it's true can I be absolutely sure a hundred percent sure that it's true that by Dalton saying why'd you put mascara on means you are fake stuck-up person that should wash her mascara off and you should be better than that and not wear any makeup and how dare you put makeup on I don't even know you like all the things my mind said can I be absolutely sure that that's what he meant by that one simple question he asked me no I cannot be absolutely sure that that's what he meant number three how do you react what happens when you believe that thought when I believe the thought that because Dalton ask me why I'm wearing mascara means that I should be insecure or fit or that I'm fake how do I feel what happens well it makes me feel really judged it makes me feel not good enough and I panic basically and I question everything number four who would you be without that thought so who would I be if Dalton said why are you wearing that mascara and I didn't go crazy and assume that he was judging me and assumed that I should wash it off and assume that I'm fake because of it instead if I just simply heard the question that's it why are you wearing that mascara and I didn't place any I didn't attach any emotion to that question and I simply said because I want to or because it makes me feel pretty or because I'm about to make a video period that's it if I were to say that how would that feel I'd probably feel a lot less insecure I'd probably feel much more ready to make the video instead of going to the bathroom to wash off and then look like I have mascara running down my face and then skip the video altogether so that's just a really brief example and the examples that you can find on YouTube are awesome because there are also real-life examples and those the best kind but I really encourage you to look those up and dalton's actually her to pick me up so he's about to interrupt me yeah so anyway look up I ran Katie the work and in the work she also does a turnaround so in the turnaround she says you can basically flip a judgment and she explains thoroughly and gives examples of that but the the turnaround if for an example of the turnaround is um Dalton should understand me if that is your feeling your judgment your significant other should understand you better then flip it around and say three different turnarounds instead of Dalton should understand me I should understand me second turnaround I should understand Dalton third turnaround Dalton should not understand me so those three are all more empowering thoughts and ideas and they're not a judgement that gives you a power away it takes your power back it's saying I should do what I can do to control my feelings in my scenario and instead of needing someone else to understand me I should understand myself I should make myself happy I should be the one to take the control and the responsibility here so that's what her work is all about is taking back your power taking back your responsibility and knowing that every relationship you're in is simply a mirror of yourself and your relationship to yourself this is extremely empowering work it's helped me so much over the last year and you'll notice if you read this work you watch a couple videos you will notice right away they shift in perspective within your relationships whether that be with your significant other or your parents or your friends so give that some time to kind of sink in and allow the magic to unfold I want to leave you with two quotes that I absolutely love that will also help shift your perspective and I will link to these individuals so you can go watch them on YouTube because they have a lot of great content as well as a book I'm going to recommend so this first quote is Tony Robbins some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good in reality the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give and not a place that you go to take beautiful next one is John Gray men mistakenly expect women to think communicate and react the way men do women mistakenly expect men to think communicate and react the way that women do so let yourself think about that a bit and if you take that further and watch his videos John Gray and I'm sure you've heard of his very famous book men are from Mars Women are from Venus that goes in so much deeper and listening to him on podcasts search John Gray in your search bar for YouTube or for podcasts and you'll find awesome conversations there's one specifically on bulletproof radio with John Gray and that one's awesome he talks about hormones and how different times that the month are better for women and better for men to even communicate with each other and connect and having men share their feelings actually releases estrogen which makes them frustrated so you forcing your guy to want to share his feelings the way that you do actually might backfire on you and also understanding that every time we share our feelings although all we want is to be heard and listened to a man often takes that as a problem to be solved and he feels that it is his duty to solve problems so if you provide your guy with a mess of drama or frustrations or sadness or just even anything that's on your mind that sounds like a problems he will think you're asking him to solve it and so John Gray gives really simple tips communication tips that can help you and that can help your guy and one that just came to mind is that a guy can use this so maybe you want to give this tip to him but a guy all he has to say and all you have to say to him when he's speaking to you unless you have more to say is I hear you I hear you because ultimately that's what most of us want we want to know that we're heard it's nothing is more frustrating than speaking and looking over and being like are you even paying attention did you even hear me I can do that sometimes so check out John grades work awesome stuff read his book if you want to but podcasts are just as good listen to him talk about his personal relationship he gives you tips for communication and just a better understanding of how men's brains and women's brains are very different from one another and don't use it against your guy don't try to get him to understand you better bring it back to Byron Katie work it's your opportunity use those tools to help yourself communicate don't expect your guy to use the tools you've got to do it you've got to do the work so I hope this was helpful for you it was already helpful for me you should be honest too just talk about these ideas and remind myself of them because we have to be reminded relationships are constantly evolving because we are constantly evolving but all I can tell you from my current experience that a relationship can be successful as long as you are committed to becoming your very best self no matter what that means no matter how many difficult conversations you have to have over the many years ahead so thank you so much for listening it was great to be back here again and keep a look out for the upcoming episodes that I'm super excited to share with you I'm having a B Bradford back on the podcast she's going to talk about herbal medicine the power of healing herbs and I'm also going to have local yoga studio owner on and she is awesome you are gonna absolutely love her energy I can't wait to have a conversation with her and to share it with you thanks so much for listening I'll talk to you next time on coming clean

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