Admins | Full Length | Comedy Movie | HD | Watch Free | English FIlm

– [Boss] Okay, who’s on the call? – [Chuck] This is Chuck from messaging. – [Barry] Barry from AD. – [Johnson] This is
Johnson from networking. – Enough with the introductions. What’s the status? – [Johnson] I don’t think it’s networks. – [Barry] It’s not the firewall. – [Chuck] It’s not the application. – You guys done throwing
each other under the bus? – [Chuck] I’m not
throwing anyone anywhere. It’s not the application. – Chuck, do you know who I am? – [Chuck] Ah. – I’m Jordan Mackenzie, fucking department head. You’re a contractor, right? – [Chuck] Ah, yes. – You know I can have your ass
escorted out of this building in a minute. Who the fuck was that? – [Randy] Jordan. Do you know who this is? – No. – [Randy] Then fuck you. – [Phone Announcer] Randy Wolf has left the call. – Who the fuck is Randy Wolf? (rock music) ♫ On the sides ♫ Of the deepest pockets ♫ Well for a while ♫ Until you get what you wanted ♫ And there’s nobody quite like you ♫ To run the old machines and ♫ Prey on weaker types to make ♫ All of what you’ve imagined ♫ All the way ♫ You would have to go ♫ All the way ♫ To create your show (ringing) (beeping) (vibrating) – Ah, no, no, no. Nope. (vibrating) You delf. (vibrating) Hi Kevin, how’s it going? No, sir, I actually have today off. No sir, I don’t, no, I don’t know who would have done that. No, I’m sorry sir, isn’t, isn’t Richard there right now? Can’t? He’s not. Okay. Yeah. Yes sir. Okay, sir, yes I understand. Yeah, well just til noon, and then Richard’s going to be there. Okay, just til noon. Alright. Well, yes sir, it’s gonna take me a
second to get ready, but. Hello? (rock music) ♫ So big bright and full of light a ♫ Dream that I had punctured night and ♫ Peeled back black so I could see (rock music) – [Man] Dan. Dan. (rock music) ♫ Just to live ♫ Just to live ♫ Just to – You know you’re gonna
get slammed, right? – Yep. – Stam, D M, right. – Yeah. – People are gonna freak. – Thanks Jackie, I got it. – You’re the techie, right? Dude. My shit’s gone. – And what shit would that be? – Everything. – Yeah, okay. We’re working on it. – You’re working on it? I have some important pics on here. – How important can a picture be? Don’t answer that. – What’s going on? – Someone jacked up MDM last night? – What’s MDM? – Mobile device management. – Alright, look. – Are you the one who manages the phones? – No. Not really. Not even supposed to be here today. – Well all my shit is gone. (laughter) – [Dan] Laugh it up fuzzball. – Hey Dan? – What? – My phone. – Yes. – It’s acting weird. – Yeah. Ow, what the fuck? – Out. Out. Out. Now, unlike the rest of you leaches, I actually have an appointment scheduled with my resource, Dan. Do any of you have a open ticket? – No. – Have any of you contacted the help desk to obtain said ticket? – No. – The please excuse us. You owe me. – Yeah. Why do I think it came at a price? – Will you fix my phone? – See, I knew it. This is huge. – So what? Why were late today? – I wasn’t late. I had the day off and they called me back in. – The day off for what? – Just, I don’t know, it’s really none of your business. – I’m not an idiot. I know Madden was midnight
pickup last night. There’s more to life than video games Dan. – Okay, is there? Is there really? – Okay. So I was going through the
project appointment plan. – Okay, you know, here we go, I told you. – I know. I know. I know you said no weeknights, okay. – I’d rather do weeknights than weekends. – I know but I have you for weeknights and weekends. It’s an aggressive deployment. You can sleep when it’s over. Take all the comp time you want. Just like last time. – Yeah, because last time, let’s see, I had a whole Monday after two 60 hour weeks that you scheduled. – Hadn’t you heard? – No, heard what? – Well after we’re done, they’re going to evaluate us and you know, if, – What, if what already. – They might not renew our option here. We all might be out of jobs. – Fuck. God, fuck. I just customized a new car. – Yeah, well we all
have the same contract. How do you think I feel with a new condo? So, I just need you to work one weekend. I’ll make it worth your while. – No, hey, hey, we said we’d keep it professional here. – Great. – Please. – Sorry. Okay. So, just fix this thing. – Yeah, I fixed it. – And we can both be
on our merry way, okay. – Let me just get this back in. (rock music) (chatter) – Do you clean this? – Yes, I clean it. Would you hurry up please? I’m very sorry you feel that way. I just need you to fix this so I can go do my work, okay. – I’m done, I’m done. – It’s not that big either. My little brother didn’t
have a problem with it. He’s played with it all weekend. – Hey Danny boy, is that the new Nokia model? – [Dan] Nope. – Cause you know Rob and I, we get dibs
on all new equipment. – Why? – Because we’re FTE baby. So Dan, where are the new tablets? – I don’t provision devices. Randy does. – Well Randy’s not fucking
here right now, is he? You didn’t see Randy did you? – The bastard’s always late. He’ll be here. – He comes in at lunch, then he takes his lunch. – Fucker. Like you said, F-T-E. (rock music) – Hey. – Hey. – This guy here yet? – No. I’ve checked a couple
of times this morning. – Slacker. – I know right. – What’s your name? – Alana. – Yeah. I can read. Are you new here? – Yeah, I’m here to pick up my laptop. – I bet your laptop’s not ready yet. – It better be. I want to get to work right away. – Definitely new here. – Yeah, well it looks like I’m gonna have a longer than lunch to slack off, right. – What the fuck are you talking about? – A contract. – They’ll renew you guys. It’ll be too disruptive. You’re essential. – Yeah. Don’t know about that. – What are people gonna do when they can’t log in and get to facial book? (laughter) – Yeah. Yeah, speaking of essential. I got to listen to that guy spoil Game of Thrones three times a day every freaking day. – You really got to see this series. It’s on HBO. It’s called Game of Thrones. Awesome. There’s this little dwarf character. He’s like the hero of the show. But there’s a really great character. And she’s like this white hair. – Victim number two. – [Jake] Gabe. – What? Oh. – [Jake] Where are my TPS reports? – Hey Jake. Jake, he’s– Guess what, Jake is looking for you. – Who isn’t man. – Okay, well just go ahead
and make yourself comfortable. It’s not like you’re late
for work or anything. – What are you talking about? I’ve been working. I have all my calls forwarded over to my cell. – Yeah, I called your cell this morning. You didn’t pick up. – Yeah, I said I had them forwarded. I didn’t say I actually answered them. – What’s with the shirt? – What are you talking about? It’s fuchsia. It’s like a fashion, it’s a fashion statement. – Did it come with a purse? – What are you so attitude about? Oh shit, that’s right. It’s your day off. I forgot. You got dicked man, what’s Richard’s excuse this time? – Want to know what he said to me? – Actually no. Hold that thought. I got to take this call. I’m sure it’s very important. How. How. Yes, it’s a traditional
native American greeting. Yes, I’m in America. Yes, but they outsource
the IT to the Indians. Okay. You say email not working. You send message via US Postal Service. Namaste. – God, it’s amazing the
shit you FTEs get away with. (rock music) Can you please leave me alone. I’m trying to figure out
what the heck happened here. – What’s going on buddy? – Well I’m trying to figure out what the fuck happened to MDM. Someone jacked it up last night. – Uh oh. – Uh oh, what? – No, it’s nothing. Okay, first you tell me what’s going on. And then I’ll tell you what I did. – Okay, well I’ll tell you that they were lined up outside the door like an Apple Store, trying to figure out what
was wrong with their phones. – Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So what happened was, I was wiping it. – Oh, my– – No, no, no, it was just one phone. – Randy. – It was supposed to be one phone. I think I might of accidentally selected and entire container. – Oh, you think? Maybe it was an entire container that we’re looking at right now. – Come on man, you know, like the database thing confuses me. We need a good database administrator. – Okay. Can you quit deflecting. – I’m not deflecting. It was the fucking database. – You know, I am so sick and tired of cleaning up after your shit. – Yeah, but you’re so good at it. – This is your– God damn it Randy. – Shalom. – Nice blouse. I have one just like it. – This is not a blouse. This is a man’s shirt. – I hear you can read
other people’s email. – Kind of, yeah. Yeah. – Excuse me. – You. – Oh yeah. I told you your laptop’s not ready yet. – Well I can’t do anything without it. – You can hang out with me while I work on it. – I got things to do. – Yeah, but you just said
you can’t do any of them without your laptop. Pop a squat. That chair’s got your name on it. – Okay, so, so he’s influencing
everyone to pick his friend, as you say, and then he gives, he gives front of the contract, which is a, conflict of interest.
– Conflict of interest. – Okay, okay. Alright, yeah. Got it. – Can you check real quick? – Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, we have some things
that we need to fill out. Appropriate security, they need to involve– – All of the forms that you need, I just need to confirm it first. – Okay. Right, but, if it’s not confirmed then, we just violated several policies that corporate
security has in place. Actually, they require me– – Dan, right? – Yeah. – Dan, Dan, Dan. You’re on the Delta contract, right? – Yeah. I’m sorry, what’s that, I don’t know what that look is for. – How they treat your team. You guys don’t even have medical. Your BFF Randy used to be a contractor. I made his position FTE. – I’m sorry, are you suggesting? – Yes, I’m suggesting
you being a made man. – Well do you guys have an opening? – Well, if my boss is in the wrong, then we might. Look, no more ops, no more long hours, no more on call. And, you would be long term. Are you familiar with the expression tit for tat? – Can you believe that some dudes still don’t know
about private browsing? Believe it or not, this is
like the best part of my day. People surfing and downloading habits really say a lot about who
they are as people, you know. Like you say Asian fetish, nobody’s gonna accuse this guy of being anti- slant eye. – Isn’t that a little inappropriate? – Yeah, it’s totally inappropriate. Inspiration for masturbation should never come from the
color of someone’s skin. – No, I don’t think you understand. – Whoa, jackpot. God. This guy’s such a fucking perv. Hold on, hold on. Check it out. Saigon sphincters dot com tasty taints, crouching tiger hidden t-bag. I spot a brown eye, stinky rice dot TV. Chinese fingering trap dot com. Genghis Cock, come plow chicken, bang cock banging cocks, Tokyo drip dot com, cockzilla. Majestic sluts dot net exclusive camel toes jizz guzzler. This guy searched craigslist for meat curtains in the for sale section. You should probably wash this laptop, like wipe it down. I touched this. – Yo, Jack Ryan. Kathy did some paperwork for you. – Hmm. No shit. – You know you have to take a poly for the security clearance. – A poly? – So anyways, and investigator will be in
contact with you shortly. – Okay, hey, thanks guys. (rock music) (vibrating)
(video game sounds) – What the? Hey man, did you, did you take your drug test? – Yeah. Already took care of it, why? – I mean like why? Why, like, what happened? Like how’d it go? – Honestly, it’s kind of a pain in the ass. But it’s only once a year, so, you got something to worry about? – No man. – Then suck it up big man. – I like it when you call me big man. – You’re welcome. – Oh, yeast chips. Oh. – Look at this fucking guy. Who reads the newspaper at work? I mean who reads the
newspaper at all actually? Hey. Why don’t you go back to your fucking desk and look at It’s less blatant asshole. – I’m no my break. – What’s your rate? Five dollars a minute? So the tax payers of this great nation have just spent $50 for you to sit here and read the
fucking sports section? Ah, fuck that guy. Hey, I heard you might
be moving on up buddy. – What? – No. I mean it’s probably not gonna happen. – Oh, no, Jake said that
they were already scheduling your poly man. – What? – No, Kathy just said that – Kathy? That bitch. – She’s not a bitch. – She’s manipulative. Don’t trust her promises. I could have worked for her too, but I didn’t want to kiss her ass, so. – Oh, that’s so unfortunate. Your mouth, her ass, my little filmmaking. – Oh my god. – No, no, no, we can call it Gab Analysis, or Market Penetration. – Shut the fuck up. – Look, it’s probably safer
for me up there anyway. – Yeah, exactly. You just run for the life vest and leave the rest of us
to drown in the water. – Wait, wait, wait. Safer, life vest? What are you talking about? – They might not renew our contract. – You guys are essential, okay. They touch you, their technical support
would get hit so bad, I promise you, they’ll never complain again. – Well I guess then they’d just be left with your 15 minutes of work that you put in between your two hour lunch break and your suspiciously
long bathroom breaks. – Vera, that was his
Goodfella’s impression. – I’d tell you the truth if I
thought you’d could handle it. – Yeah, here we go. – Okay. Go on, tell me the truth. – We live in a world with firewalls, and those firewalls need to be guarded. Who’s gonna do it? You? You Timothy Weinberg? – Weinberg? – Let it go Timmy, he’s on a roll. – I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That my work hours and social habits, while unconventional
and somewhat offensive, probably saved lives. That my existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth cause deep down in a place you
don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that call. You need me on that call. We use words like user error and reboot and please try that again. We use these words as a backbone to a life spent helping morons. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a user that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the
service that I provide and the questions the means by which I provide it. I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. – He does a great Rachael McAdams. – Hey, you hear for your drug test? Come on in. – I really don’t understand why the test needed to
be administered this way. – Why? Are you nervous? – Well I’m not comfortable,
if that’s what you mean. – You’re being overdramatic. Think of me as a passive participant to something you probably do daily. – I guess metaphorically speaking, the government’s been
doing this to me for years. Ironically, I always thought drugs would be a prerequisite
for this sort of thing. – Whoa, dude what the fuck? – When you pointed at your crotch, I thought you meant urine. – It’s not that funny, okay. I’m traumatized. I might never be able to go the bathroom in this building again. – Good, the test was annual. Annual, typo. – Yeah, I see that Sherlock, thank you. – Get over it. It’s over now. Forget it. – This really upsets me man. – Yeah, you’re so sensitive. – Do you know what the worst part is? – What? – How quickly I submitted
to another man’s request to insert something into my anus. – Okay, technically, he
never made that request. You, you just ran with it on your own. – Oh my god. Do I have latent homosexual tendencies? I think I might be gay. – Okay, you’re not gay. – You don’t know I’m not gay. You don’t know that about me. You just said it yourself, I’m too sensitive. What’s gayer than being too sensitive? I’ll tell you what, flashing your corn hole at the first mocha skinned
guy you see in the bathroom. That’s what. – Yeah. Yeah, that’s pretty gay. That shirt didn’t help. – Why can’t I just use my phone? So which one’s better than the other? I heard this one’s better. – Uh huh. – How about this one? – Yeah, sure. – Aren’t you tech support? – I don’t know what I am anymore. – Well how about you
support me in this decision? – [Randy] I just did. – You said both were
better than the other. – Uh huh. Yeah, that one’s got a smaller screen, so it sucks for games and porn. And that one’s more secure so you won’t really get
any good games and porn. – Well that was helpful. – Ah, I hadn’t had one of these in ages. – By ages she means this morning. – Yeah, well I mean
obese have such a skewed perception of time and space when it comes to food. Yeah, no, I believe that
the acceptable wait time between meals is inversely proportional to someone’s waistline. I mean you take you for example, back in the day, I’m sure
she had a 32 inch waistline at which point, a four to six hour window, perfectly acceptable between meals. – And now? – Now, having achieved Optimus Prime’s waistline, I give her two hours, three tops before she
resorts to cannabism. – Did you see that look she gave us? – Yeah. I mean people do that
to smokers, you know. – It’s bullshit. – They’re just on a
suicidal, glutinous path and every single double
cheeseburger she inhales and no one fucking flinches. We light up and everyone looks like we just clubbed the last
goddamned seal on earth. – It’s not fair. – Yeah. – Ah, shit, here we go. – Hey. Guys. – [Randy] No. Go away. Get the fuck out of here. Get out. Go away. – I was just wondering. – You know when we’re
out here we’re on break. Right Carter? – No. See ya. See what I have to deal with? – I deal with just as many idiots. – I don’t think so man. I don’t think you do.
– Yeah. – I think I deal with more idiots. – You’re like enough for like 50 idiots. – There’s too many idiots in the world. – Randy, my buddy. Hey man. hey, I was wondering what do I do when I find a wallet, boom to a minimize the latency
of World of Warcraft? Hey Randy? Randy? – [Boss] As you can see, the numbers are not bad. But we can do better. We’re not slacking on our SLAs, which is a good thing. But there’s always room for improvement. If there aren’t any more questions. – [Woman] Yes Bob, I was wondering if you
could go over the metrics for performance in Q two? – Ah. – [Bob] Yes, thank you for reminding me. So let’s talk a bit about how we got there, where we are. – I set up Twitter to sync with my Facebook, that way when I tweet, it goes automatically to Facebook but there’s latency. It takes a least five minutes to show up. Is that our network? Is there anything you can do about that? Nice shirt. – [Woman] So what’s got these things slow? I don’t know, it’s been slower than yesterday. Anyone on the call have any ideas? – Okay, what are you clicking on? – [Woman] I don’t know. – What are you doing on the website? Give me something. – [Woman] I don’t know, it’s just slow. The whole thing is slow. – Okay, slow to, slow to load the home page? – [Woman] No, homepage is fine. I’m looking at it now. – How do you know that it’s slow? – [Woman] I don’t know. – I’m telling you, everything is locked up. Nothing’s happening. – [Dan] Timmy. Timmy. Timmy. Listen to me, not a touch screen buddy. Use the mouse. – I clicked on something and it took me to a porn site. It was an accident. I don’t want to get into any trouble. – Is it true that you can
see the pictures on my phone? – So I’m at the computer, minding my own business, and the weirdest thing happened again. Porn site. – Is it true that you can read my email? – Is it true you can access my webcam without me knowing it? – The weirdest thing just happened again. – Oh no, no, no, you fucking son of a bitch, no. No Richard, you fucking pick up. You pick up you fucking, fucking voicemail, goddamn it. Richard, Richard, I got a fucking text
message you son of a bitch. You fucking son of a bitch, I know you didn’t go anywhere or you missed a fucking flight. Huh? How do you even know I got your text. You can’t just send a text and think that you’re in the fucking clear. How do you know you I got it? Huh? Aside from the fact
that I fucking mentioned that I got it, how do you fucking know that I got it? You fuck, you know, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. Thanks Richard. You dick. – You know, you just
can’t slam phones down the same way anymore. First you have to like hit
the button to turn it off and then, and slam it down I guess, but then you’re like, hey, shit did I crack my screen? Hey man, why don’t you just go home? – I could. – Ah, you’re full of shit. We both know you’re a boy scout. – Yeah. And what would you know
about responsibility? – I know that no one here has any. – I can’t make any wrong moves with this contract situation man. It sucks, I should be home right now. – Playing Madden or jerking off? – Probably Madden. But I’d probably rub
one out during halftime. – And just like that, time for lunch. I’m thinking Chinese. – Chinese again. Yeah. Third time this week. You got here like an hour ago dude. – Well I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Maybe exposing my butthole to a strange dude in the restroom has increased my appetite. Do you want to eat or do you want to analyze my time sheet? Come on. Come on. Did you see Kathy’s ass today? – Yeah, I make it a point
to see that ass every day. It’s part of my daily routine. I bet her dingle berries
taste like skittles. – I don’t know if I’d go that far. – I’d probably go that far. I was thinking about something. – Yeah, let me have it man. – You know how in Monopoly they’ve got that get
out of jail free card? – Yeah. – Imagine if you will, if you were suddenly issued a get into vajayjay free card. It’s the vajaja voucher. A vajayjay voucher, if you will. – You mean like a gift
certificate for sex? – Not exactly. Okay, no here, imagine this. You have a one time voucher that would obligate the
woman of your choosing to have sex with you. And she has to accommodate your request. So what do you think? – I find your erotic and
somewhat disturbing fantasy oddly intriguing. What about her marital status? – Irrelevant. – Age? – Usual restrictions. – Friends, coworkers, second cousins? – Yes, yes, gross but yes. – Domestic only, or
internationally accepted? – Domestic only. Some conservative regions of the world place too strict a penalty
when it comes to sex. And others just see it as a way of life. – Right, cause that would
make this unrealistic? – Yeah, shut up. Even hypothetical sexual scenarios need restrictions. It’s the boundaries that
make them more tangible. There has to be a catch. – So what’s the catch? – You only get one. So you got to use it wisely. – Any special considerations
made if she’s menstruating? What about if she’s a hermaphrodite? I think the presence of a dick should nullify the transaction. – No do overs. – That’s brutal. – That’s cool, yeah. – Did she just smile at me? – I think it was more like one of those, I’m glad you’re all the way
over there kind of looks. Hey your rape card would
come in handy here. – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about rape? This place is always packed. It’s just coffee. You know crack dealers don’t
get this kind of loyalty. – Well, it was just coffee, 15 years ago. Now it’s headquarters for
the environmentally conscious left leaning, European
car driving douchebags who think they have sophisticated taste cause they overpaid for a
bunch of ground up coffee beans that were hand picked
in inhuman conditions by underprivileged children who’s life expectancy is comparable to the warranty of an iPad. Which coincidentally, is manufactured on another continent by underprivileged children under even less humane conditions. – So, what does that make them? – Well I told you, douchebags. – So we’re douchebags? – Oh no, we have to
work our way up to that. I’d say in the coffee house social class structure, we fall somewhere between local grad students who for some reason find the distractions
of a packed coffee house to be the ideal study setting and dirty gophers over there hiding behind their laptops. – I don’t know what dirty gopher is. – Oh yeah, a dirty gopher is a man who seeks out a strategic
seating arrangement in close proximity to an attractive woman with the hopes that said attractive woman will inadvertently give him a glimpse of her panties. Which by the way pales in comparison to the images these
idiots could be looking at on those rectangular shaped
things in front of them currently serving as pathetic camouflage. – I don’t know about that. So, take a look at that guy. He’s just kind of
minding his own business. – No, no, wait for it. See. Just like gophers. – The fuck? – Yeah, this game of peekaboo became an instinctual part of our genders shortly after Eve started
wearing a fig leaf. Before that whole apple biting incident, we were sort of indifferent
to the womanly parts. Now, even centuries later, we start as little boys in middle school accidentally dropping our pencils, and eventually many of us carry this
time honored tradition on well into adulthood. Here comes round two. – What the hell, that’s amazing. – Hey, I wonder if any of those guys can help us out with our database issues. – That’s wrong. – What? Gentlemen, hi. I was hoping maybe you can help me with a technology related issue. – What makes you think we
can help you with that? – What makes me think? How about 400 plus hours
of tech support calls to the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire? – Is there something we can help you with? – Yeah. I need a database administrator. You guys in? – So we are to your technology needs what Mexicans are to your landscaping? Should we hop in the back
of your pickup truck? – Don’t be ridiculous man, just catch a lift with one
of your cab driver buddies. – Hey what the fuck is that man? – That’s enough, that’s enough. Let’s go, let’s go buddy. Come on. – [Randy] I didn’t say anything wrong. – Oh Kathy, I really need to sign those– – Vera. – I’ve sent you like 10 emails today. – Oh, well you can just
bring them on by the office. – Okay, or you can stop by and– – These earrings are so adorable. Where’d you get them? – Thanks, I got them online from one those like charity websites. All the proceeds go to
help save the pandas. And who doesn’t like pandas, right? – Cute. – It is, so, the papers. Really important. Just drop by before two today, and we’ll get it all done, and I’ll be out of your hair. – Bring them on over to my office. – Or also that. Okay. Well I’m gonna go. – Great.
– Let’s do lunch sometime. It’s been forever.
– yeah, sure. – Your life. – Definitely, okay. – Bye. What a bitch. – Those are the ugliest f-ing earrings I’ve ever seen. – You know what, that was
really embarrassing, okay. I don’t need you to pull me
out of every social situation. – Me? I am amazed that you’ve
gotten this far in life without being curb stomped. – You know, you don’t understand me. You’re supposed to be my friend. I thought we were cool. – You’re treating me like I’m short round. – Well. What do you want from me? I call it how I see it man. – Okay, this is, this is what? Does anything actually phase you? – Ah, – I’m serious, like, to pull the kind of shit that you do and have not gotten your ass beat, you’re either a complete genius, or the most blessed fucking idiot without absolutely no fear. What are you afraid of? – I am six foot five, 235 pounds and there’s two of me. – No, I’m serious. What are you actually afraid of in life? – I don’t know. I’m afraid of black women and gay men. – Seriously dude. – No, yeah. Have you ever seen a
black woman get angry? It’s crazy. And gay men, when they get angry, they turn into black women. – God, it just doesn’t
fucking stop with you. – Look man. You drive. I don’t feel like it. – Seriously? – It’s crazy to me that
things like that still happen. – Crazy, it’s not even actually crazy. It’s pretty shocking to me. – It’s so much more than shocking. – Hey, anybody know databases, hop in back, it’s good pay. – Nice blouse asshole. – Daniel? – Dan. – Okay, Dan, I’m here for your poly. – Oh, okay, yeah, right. Okay, I was warned about, told about you guys. – Just to be clear, this is a life cell poly, which means some questions may seem evasive, but I assure you they serve a purpose. So, let’s start with baseline. State your full name. – Daniel Shumaker. – Date of birth? – September 7th, 1987. – What is your job title? – I am a systems admin. – Have you ever engaged in any unlawful or unethical activities in your place of work? – No. Oh, I’m sorry. What was the beep for? – It’s okay. – Does that mean, does that mean I’m lying? – No, everyone gets
dinged on that question. But we’ll come back to ethics later. Are you now, or have
you ever been affiliated with any groups or organizations that have ill will toward
the United States government? – No. – Do you now or have you ever engaged in any homosexual activities? – Ah, I saw Magic Mike in 3D. I don’t think that makes me gay. – Okay. Do you now, or have you ever
had thoughts or fantasies involving rape or violence? – No. Okay, no. Not, not intentionally. – I don’t understand. – Well you know how in Monopoly, you know, they’ve got this
get out of jail free card? So you know, I just thought it’d be funny if there was like this get
into vajayvaj free card. – A what? – I’m sorry, is there anyway
that we can just kind of come back to the rape thing another time? – Okay. Have you ever engaged in any sexual or lewd acts in the office? – No. Maybe a little bit. – Explain. – I diddled my project
manager a few times. That’s it. Fuck. And I masturbated in the Enterprise office. I masturbated right in that chair. and in Kathy’s office, and the fourth floor conference rooms, and I tried the server room, but it’s a little too cold. – Do you realize how creepy you are? – Nope. Oh, hi. Hi. You are with Kathy’s team, so, I mean you guys must know each other? – Can you come to the data center? – Okay, would you like me to come cause I do the systems. – No need. – I’ll tell you what, we’ll give you a call if
there’s a semen shortage on any of the servers. – I think it went okay. Who’s that? – Oh, it’s Amanda from marketing. – I didn’t know Amanda
was your Facebook buddy. – Who said anything about Facebook? – Where’d you get those pictures from? – Ah, – Do I want to know? – What? – Why? Holy shit. – It’s good to be the admin. – What are you doing? – I have, I have admin privileges on
everyone’s work computer, right. But they should only
keep work stuff on there. Just because you have a
folder called my pictures doesn’t mean you should load it up with your very, very
private vacation photos. – Okay, close that, now. – Why? – It’s wrong. – Says the guy who wants a rape voucher. – Can you stop calling it that. Look, just because you got, because you can access people’s files without them knowing, doesn’t mean that you can
snoop around like that. I mean, you should be using, using admin privileges for troubleshooting workstations. – I am troubleshooting. She submitted a ticket. Said her computer’s running slow. Maybe it’s running slow because she’s running out of disc space. Maybe she’s running out of space because she doesn’t realize the file size of her
enormous titties in RAW. – Yeah. Just be professional. That’s all I’m saying. – Professional’s a lost art in this consumer driven world. – I don’t even know what that means. – It means everything’s so
fucking casual these days, business casual. B-Y-O-D. I want my iPhone to connect to my work, and I want my necklace to connect to my corporate resources. Like that’s so fucking secure. The line between work and play is like so blurry when
it comes to technology. No doubt these fuckers
can be super productive when they’re checking social media every 15 minutes. So excuse me, excuse me captain America. These fuckers are too stupid to realize that every time they sync
their phone to their desktop it also copies over their sexting pics. Check this out. Look at her. She’s so beautiful. – What is that? – Oh, that’s her webcam. – Oh, that’s live, right now? – Yeah, yeah, yeah. All I did was– – No. I don’t want to hear how you do it. – Alright, what if I printed
out a peeping tom voucher? Shit, Fredo, what’s up? – My daughter’s in trouble. – What? – She’s stuck in Nigeria. – Have you tried calling your daughter? – No. – There you go. – [Daughter] Hello? – Betty, honey. – [Betty] Dad? – Are you okay? – [Betty] What? – Where are you? – [Betty] At work. – When did you get a job in Nigeria? – Jesus, really? – I got your email. – [Betty] What email? Dad are you okay? – Hey, Betty. Your dad’s fine. Okay, he just sent some
money to a stranger for a plane ticket to escape
blood diamond runners. I’m gonna go clean up his computer, and he’s gonna call AMEX. But everything’s cool, okay. – [Betty] Okay. – Say bye Freddy. – Bye Freddy. – I’m pretty sure we each get our own. – No way man, they’re just gonna give us a huge one and we’re gonna have to share it. – Well here he is. Let’s just ask him. – Ah, can I help you guys? – Maybe you can help us settle something. How many clouds are we buying? You know, the clouds. How many are we purchasing? And please tell me we each get our own. – Cloud? Oh, bless your hearts. Okay, cloud services. I don’t know if you guys know exactly– – Time out. Where is it physically right now? I mean is it where I think it is? – It’s not in the clouds. – Well not anymore. Right. Thanks a lot Al Queda. – Okay. Cloud– – Do you think I can see one. Cause I’d really like to see one. – Me too. I would really like an orange one as well. Definitely an orange one. – Yeah, I like where his head is at because I don’t want to
confuse mine with his. So I was gonna go with
something like metallic blue, you know, a little bit more subtle, nothing over the top. – Yeah, alright, so. Metallic blue. Orange. Just make sure you
don’t pour water on them cause they will multiply. I’m sorry. I don’t know what any of this is about. Is that why you guys came to my office? – Oh, not at all. We’re actually here to ask you about your SOPs as they pertain to the
privacy act of 1974? – And also, have you been the
admin on duty all day today? – Ah, yeah. Hey, Kathy. – Knock, knock. Why are you out of breath? – I wanted to mention I’m out of breath. – You should cut back on the smokes. – I should cut out the smoking. Quick question. Who was that in my office? – Corp Sec. – Corporate Security. What for? – For your screening for your position. – Well I thought all
I needed was the poly. – What poly? – That poly interview. – You don’t need a poly for this. – Then who was Carla? – I don’t know what you’re talking about. – God, those little fuckers. – Excuse me? – You know, I am so sorry
for coming into your room and just being all, – Did you find that email? – Oh yeah. About that. About that. I started looking. I really don’t know. – You don’t know? – Well I don’t know dates. – Dates? – Yeah, I need dates. Dates. A date? Okay. Would you like me to take you on a date? – What? No. – Okay. Okay, sorry, I’m just
miscommunicating with. Sorry. Go team, yeah. – What? – What are you watching? – Oh, I’m just watching a tutorial on how to install something I want to install later. – Really? – Yeah. The guy’s about to insert his disc. – I am sure he is. – Hi Kathy. – Oh, hey Raj. Did you ever figure out
that guy’s email thing? I mean I tried everything man. It’s definitely not his client. – Yeah, it was a bad load balancer. – Good, you’re amazing. – I’ll come back later. – That boy’s wicked smart. Kasey Affleck, nevermind. But he actually is super smart. – Oh yeah? – Yeah, he went to IIT. – Don’t you mean ITT? – No, no, Indian Institutes of Technology. It’s like harder to get into than MIT. – Isn’t that in India? – Yeah, did you see Raj? Does he look like Sitting Bull? Anyway, that’s the kind
of guy I want on my team. – Can I have my coffee now? – Oh, yeah, sure. I don’t like coffee, go ahead. – Hiya buddy. – How’s it going? – Whatcha doing? – Oh, just looking at some tickets. – Tickets, hm? I saw that alt tab. – Okay, I may have been
looking at a little you porn. – Bullshit. You never hide porn. – Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Stop it, stop. – Tell me.
– Stop it. – Tell me.
– Stop it. – Tell me. – Oh my god, okay. I was researching latent
homosexual tendencies. – Oh my god. You are unbelievable. – See, I knew you wouldn’t understand. My people have been through
decades of persecution, okay. I could use a little bit
more support on this. – Your people? – Yeah. – Every few months you conjure up some baseless, life altering emergency. You notice that? Hmm? Last January when you thought you
had testicular cancer. You had the whole office
taking up collections on your anticipated medical expenses. You couldn’t stop going on about how you’re gonna be Randy one ball. – I felt a bump. – Yeah, that was a pimple. – Yeah, thanks for
checking that out for me. – Yeah, that wasn’t
high on my bucket list. – Sorry. – You confused caffeine induced jitters with Parkinson’s. – I had the shakes. – Yeah, well five cups of coffee is gonna do that to you buddy. Remember that soup only diet? You had nothing but alphabet
soup for three weeks. You have a bad habit of
not flushing the toilet. I went into the stall one time. I swear to god, it looked like you gave birth to a Charles Dickens’ novel. – Those were the worst of times. – You make them the worst of times. – And now because of one misunderstanding in the men’s room, you are preparing for a life of bone munching. Here’s a dose of reality. You are not gay. You are far from being gay. Because every homosexual man that I know has cultural awareness, social grace, is in shape. You couldn’t entice Andy Dick on Viagra with that battleship you call an ass. For better, for worse, you’re just a heterosexual
middle class man with a serious case of homophobia. – So mean. – I’m sorry. That was rough. Can we move past this now? Can we talk about my problems? – I’d love to talk about your problems. Your problems are awesome. Favorite part of my day. – Well, I think, I may have, may have, screwed up my security screening. – Your poly? – That was a fake poly. – Wouldn’t get your hopes
up about that job buddy. – What do you mean? – Well rumor has it
that Kathy’s pushing HR to make an offer to Raj. – Roger Smith? – No, no, no, Raj. Short for Rajar Babananu. Rajar Baba yeah, whatever. – Can I help you? – Yeah. Quick question. Why did you give Raj the job instead of me when I have been here just as long? – It’s like having one of those smart outsource people local. – Really? – Plus, your poly wasn’t great either. – Okay. A fake poly. – Yes, but your answers
were still suspect. Corp Sec talked to Carla and their audit’s corroborated. – What audits? – Well, that you access
other people’s information without proper protocol. – No, what information. – Like other people’s inboxes. – Damn, you told me to do that. – It’s part of your screening, for the position. – Bullshit. – Careful. – I don’t fucking believe this. What do you know about our contract? – They may renew it. – Oh, they may renew it? – Maybe. Is that better? – Alright, all this is bullshit. – You know, we could argue this all
the way up the food chain, or you might want to chock this up to try again next time. But if you burn a bridge, there definitely won’t be a contract. – We take it to the top, it’s your word against mine. – Do you really want to battle? Besides, you like me. You gawk at my ass. – Yeah. I just didn’t think it’d
actually shit on me. – Cheer up. I’ll make it up to you one of these days. – No, no. No, you make it up to me today. – Okay. How about a juicy steak from Morton’s. And a mocha frappuccio from Starbucks. You like those. And a friendly hug that lasts up to but
not beyond 10 seconds. – Okay, how about we
skip all of that bullshit and you literally provide me with your part of the tit for tat agreement. – You little perv. Are you serious? – You bet your balls. – For how long? – I don’t know, mere seconds. I mean my phone’s in my pocket so, no sneaky pics. – I think I’d rather keep my dignity and just sit with you at Starbucks. – Ah, sit with me at Starbucks, okay. Well you’d be surprised at
how much of your dignity you can loose by just
sitting at Starbucks. You can think about this as my parting severance pay. – Fine. But this fulfills my obligation. – Fine. You can stay seated. I can see right from here. – Son of a bitch man, you’re too quick. – You didn’t get it? – Psych. I remoted in her cam before
you were even in her office. – Oh my god you majestic pink wookie. – Woo. – Oh, look at your faces. You guys need to stop
watching so much porn at work. – Oh, we’ve never looked at porn at work. – Come on man. – Well anyway. I just came to tell you, Dan, that I managed to get most of your work on the project reassigned. – Okay, um, yeah, quick part about that. I didn’t get the job. So. – Oh. – Anyways. – Well, I still reassigned
most of your work. – Okay. So what do you want me to do? – I don’t know. I could give you some work
on my next project maybe. – But if I’m not working now? – Maybe you shouldn’t have
tried to find another job. – The fuck? That’s not fair. – Oh, really. This is coming from the man who invented the rape card. Oh no, no, the vajayjay voucher, get into vajayjay voucher. You really want to talk about what’s fair? Yeah Dan, I heard about
your stupid little fantasy. – Okay, it’s not rape. It’s merely a voucher that would legally, it’s legally obligate the woman. You sound like a congressman. – To be fair, it’s just one rape. You only get one rape. – Oh great. – It’s not rape It’s just one rape. – It’s not rape. – And who’s gonna be the lucky recipient of your voucher? Oh, no, no, no, let me guess, Kathy? – Oh. – Yeah, that manipulative bitch wouldn’t let you within 20 miles of her nether regions. – Her northern hills
aren’t so restrictive. – Who said anything about Kathy? – And how would you feel anyway if it was reversed? Like what if I had a get dick card or something and all I had to do is show it to some guy, and he’s obligated to do me. – Yeah, that’s a great idea. That would totally work. Get dick card. – Yeah, no, you don’t need one of those. You have boobs, so it’s all good. – I’m sorry, hold on. What does any of this have to do with me trying to improve my job status? – It’s– – Maybe I did what I did because nobody else in this office
is looking out for my career. – Oh, what is that supposed to mean? – It means that you like
to keep me like a prisoner in isolation. You know that I do good work. If you don’t want me to branch out for fear that someone is just gonna poach on your precious resource. – If you want to see other people, you can just say it. – Ah, yeah, I did. That’s what this morning was all about. Seeing what’s on the other side. – And now you just expect
us all to welcome you back with open arms? – Dude, you’ve been looking
at Facebook for like 20 minutes. You hate Facebook. All you’re doing is looking
at pictures of Vera. Why don’t you just go talk to her. What’s wrong? – Nothing. No, I’m happy, really. I’m about to have all
day to do what I want. – That again? Dude, they’re gonna renew
your contract, okay. But if you hate it here so much, why don’t you just quit? – Cause I’d have to go find another job. – So. You’re a techie. The market’s good. – I think I proved today that I don’t interview well. – Look man, it’s not a
Miss America Q and A, okay. They’re gonna ask you if
you know how to configure a cloud and they’re
gonna stick you in a room with a bunch of douchebags that look just like you. Look, I thought you stayed here because you are comfortable, a lifer, but today, I saw you go for something. There’s hope for you. – It doesn’t matter. Vera’s gonna make my life a living hell if I stay on this floor. – Just go talk to her man. She doesn’t care about you and your job. She cares about you and Kathy. – There is no me and Kathy. – There sure as shit isn’t any more. But you know you were going for it. You stay with Vera because she’s a nice, reliable Toyota, okay. You wanted to go for a spin in the Mercedes. If your settling for Vera, then you need to let her go. It’s not fair to treat her like that. – Yo. Want to grab nine holes and some brews? – What? – You know, tee time at four, happy hour at six. – Yeah, cause I’m not FTE, I can’t leave early, yay. – Okay, okay, we get it. We get it. You’re mad at us, but you got to admit, that fake poly thing was funny as shit. You know Carla and I, we go way back. She had fun. Peewee Herman ain’t got nothing on you. – Enough. Enough guys. I mean you guys had your fun. – Oh, come on man. No hard feelings. – You know, this is bullying. I could report you guys to HR. – HR, HR. Remind me, is HR one of the parts of the building where you yanked your meat? – You know, because of your little prank, no project manager in their right mind is going to put me on their team now. – See, I didn’t realize we
were playing for the Dolphins. You know, talk to your coach about it. – Yeah, I might. – I’m sure she’ll take great care of you. – Okay, I actually have no
idea what you’re talking about. – Your coach. – Who? – Vera. – What are you guys talking about? – She’s your supervisor. – No, she is not. – Look, you wanted to work for Kathy. I get it, she’s got great tits. But would you trust her? Exactly. Vera, she’s got nothing but
good things to say about you. I’ve seen her defend your ass when you’re not even around. She really cares about you man. That’s rare. Besides, you must be doing something to get that kind of treatment. Uh huh. You know what I’m saying? I know you wanted to be FTE like us, but really, it’s all of the bullshit with even more bureaucracy. We’ve even got our own Gabe. – Hey, did you see the Game
of Thrones episode last night? – Yeah, I don’t really watch that show with all the houses and shit. – I’ll break it down so you can get it. We’ll start with the mother of dragons. – Yeah. If it makes you feel any better, we just heard that they’ll renew you guys. You keep the lights on for us. You want me on your wall. You need me on that wall. Yeah. – I’d rather you just say thank you. – Bam. But don’t you go thinking
that we’re peers now or nothing, okay. – What? – We get to go golfing now. – Yeah, and you guys just invited me. – Oh, oh, no. Why, it’s not, it’s not even five o’clock yet. Damn. Sucks for you. What was I thinking? Later techie. But hang in there, and something will open up soon. – Yeah. Yeah, maybe one day I’ll
be just as lucky as Randy. – That Randy. – Randy has loose lips. He already told Vera about
your little meeting with Kathy and did Raj a solid by recommending him. – Yo, what’s up man? Yo man, let’s go. Get some food. Me so hungry. That is an unnecessarily menacing look. – Why did you tell Vera about my job interview with Kathy? – I didn’t do that. – Please don’t do that again. – Why did you tell Kathy to hire Raj instead of me? – That’s not what happened. that’s not how it happened at all. I don’t understand your aggression. – Why Randy? – It’s cause I didn’t want you
to move to Kathy’s floor man. We wouldn’t be able to
hang out as much and stuff. – You son of a bitch. – [Randy] Oh fuck. – Why are you always try to extinguish my plans to do anything? ♫ Eyes, those searing eyes ♫ That tear us apart ♫ Limb by limb ♫ And thighs, those slender thighs ♫ Wrapped so tightly around
what they expect to win ♫ And though the time has gone ♫ You know you can’t be wrong – You’re making me do this. You’re making me do this. You brought this on yourself. – Oh, god, fuck Randy. Shit, what the fuck did
you spray in my eyes Randy? – It’s just breath spray man, spearmint. It’s sugarfree. You’ll be okay. – God. I don’t understand man. – I smoke cigarettes man. You got to keep it fresh. – I don’t understand what
the hell got into you. – I’m doing you a favor man. – A favor? – Yeah. – I don’t want you to be stuck man. – Well what if I want that? – You don’t. – Why are you okay with being stuck? – I guess you just kind
of accept it eventually. I’m a generic person in an error message. File not found. Contact your systems administrator. – But you’re good at it. – Remember that time we
told them it’d take us two days to migrate those accounts. – We wrote a script in two hours. Played World of Warcraft for the rest of the 46. – We’re good at our jobs man. – Yeah, we’re good at avoiding hard work. – Exactly. So maybe you don’t hate your job so much. – It’s just, it’s just lacking. – What’s lacking is your social life man. Why didn’t you go golfing
with Jake and Rob? – I don’t know how to play golf. – Who gives a shit? See you miss the point man. It’s not about doing what comes easy all the time, doing what’s comfortable doing. It’s about trying new things. It’s about getting out there. It’s about doing what
makes you uncomfortable. It’s like having a girlfriend man. Do a whole bunch of shit
you don’t want to do, but you do it for her. – I’m sorry I hit you in the nuts. – It’s okay buddy. I’ll get you back. – Fuck. – I’ll do weekends. – What? – Well you need somebody
to do weekends, right. – Yeah, but. – So, I’ll do them. You know, for the team. – Okay. Fine. – So you want dinner? – Just dinner? I think you owe me so much
more than just dinner. – Oh, okay. So, what did you have in mind? – Well, I do have a
few vouchers of my own. – Oh, really? – I think we’ll get started with a go fuck yourself voucher. – Okay, – Followed by a carry my
purse around the mall voucher. – Yeah. Yeah, I deserve that. So what do you want? It’s my treat. – Sushi. – Okay. Well, we’ll hit the pharmacy, see what they have for high
mercury levels and salmonella. – I also have an entire bag that’s full of no sarcasm vouchers. – Okay. But I think we really do
need to hit the pharmacy. – Okay. – I think the insides
of my eyes are bleeding. – Okay, then we should
probably do that first. – Yeah.
– Alright, let’s go. So, did you hear? – What? – They renewed our contract. – Yeah. – We’re essential, you moron. – Yeah, I know. – No, you didn’t. – No, I had no idea. – You’re such a dumbass. – Yeah. – But I’m essential. – Whatever. It just means you have to come in and make sure everyone’s shit’s working. – Oh god, oh. Oh, you shit. – Hey guys. – What’s up Freddy? – Hey, I just wanted to
say thanks for everything. I’m about to head over to HR. I got some great news. I just won the Jamaican lottery. Seven million bucks, and a new Mercedes Benz. It’s weird, because first they said it’s a prize and then they
say it’s in inheritance, so. It’s a little strange, but seven million bucks, man. – So it’s just a Jamaican typo. – I just wanted to thank
you guys for everything before I tell HR to kiss my black ass. – Does the email perhaps ask for any personal information? – It did. I gave them my information and sent a check. Yeah, I think this one’s legit cause it’s on my iPhone. You can read it. See, it’s– – Yeah. They spelled Mercedes wrong. Why don’t you wait til the check comes before you quit your job. What do you think? – Should I wait? – Yeah, just wait. – We’ll keep it a surprise. – Yeah, we won’t tell anyone. We’ll throw you a big going
away party and everything. – Okay. Thanks guys. – No leave that here. – Thanks.


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